Gratitude Reboot

Maliana ~

I had been feeling a bit off lately, lost in my head and full of worry about all kinds of different things. We started the week having another conversation about some of the problems you have been having at school because of your short hair, mainly surrounding older girls who don't know you that have been confronting you in the bathroom and questioning whether you are a boy and in the correct bathroom. It's been hard for you sometimes. We finally had a really good conversation (fortunately discovering that role playing helps tremendously!) and Daddy and I were able to get you to open up more than you have thus far. I was so relieved to have this dialogue. We talked about gender, stereotyping, the "mean girl phenomenon", expectations of others and staying true to ourselves. We talked about how there are lots of girls and women who have short hair, with you pointing out that some of them are even bald and remembering a mother in our Fu Group that you had noticed last year at the holiday party. You remembered she was bald and I explained that she had shaved her head as a fundraising tool and it led to a conversation of how even our good friends, Stacy and her daughter Sierra had done the same thing to raise money for kids who are sick with cancer. You then requested to see a picture of Stacy with her head shaved. As we talked about this, you told me, "I want to change my chore jar money. I want to give it to hospitals to help sick people." My heart burst right then and there. Not only am I so proud of you for being true to yourself in the face of external criticism from others which makes you uncomfortable at times, but you are also able to look outside of yourself and be touched in such a way to want to give of your own money to help others. Man. You teach me new lessons on how to be a better person. Every. Single. Day.

Along with that awesome reset of my perspective on life, we also had Thanksgiving as the centerpiece of our week, which we got to celebrate twice, first with the Wilkinsons and the second time with Lao Lao and your uncles.

First up was the Wilkinsons' gathering. Last week you had made Antarctica Apples when you were a teacher helper and had enjoyed the recipe so much that you asked to make it again as a dish to bring to Aunt Connie and Uncle Pat's for Thanksgiving. You were so proud to make and share them with everyone and they turned out to be a hit too!

The gathering mainly consisted of the grown ups eating lots of food and talking with you spending lots of time playing with your cousins. Afterwards, we got our annual Wilkinson family pictures, which is always a challenge with so many kids and about a million doggies (ok, only 5, but still), and even snapped some shots for our own little family Christmas card this year too. While taking our family pictures for the card, we discovered a holiday trick in case kids (mainly you) won't smile for the photos. A really loud fart works like a charm. Every. Single. Time.

littlest kid at dinner got the biggest drumstick

doggie photo bomb...your expression cracks me up

Susie (cousin Timmy's dog) liked your antlers

just a couple of the Christmas card photo choices for us

see? big smiles thanks to a BIG fart

The next day we celebrated Thanksgiving (the sequel) with Lao Lao and Uncles Flint and Forge. I had scheduled your Christmas portraits that day so while I had to brave Black Friday traffic to get you to the studio and back, Lao Lao graciously came over and created a wonderful meal for all of us. We came home and helped her ready the loose ends and made our first ever homemade Chinese dumplings, upon your request. They were really fun to make and turned out really good! I think that is actually all that you ate for dinner that day. I can't complain though, they are really healthy and are our new Chinese twist on Thanksgiving. I love it.

prepping the dumpling filling with Lao Lao

putting the dumplings together

you approve! they turned out great!

dinner is served!

You had good fun with your uncles both before and after dinner, then asking to take a walk with the dogs before bed. In cowboy boots. You have been interested in anything cowboy after I told you the other day about how Lao Lao and I went to cowgirl camp a few years back. You really want to go with me sometime when you are older, just mother and daughter like I did with Lao Lao, and also would like for us to wear matching cowboy boots. It's pretty cute. Once home, you challenged me to a game of checkers, as a couple of cowpokes, complete with pork cracklins' and cowboy hats. I love, love, love your fun spirit. And I also love spending this time with family. Nothing like it.

folding your paper Minecraft pieces with Uncle Forge

kind of like origami

ta dah!

coming back from our walk and being silly with Uncle Flint
(you're blurry because you wouldn't stop dancing)

howdy pardner!

On Saturday morning, you finally lost your front tooth. You know, the one that's been hanging on by a thread for the last 3 weeks? Yep, that one. Look at this jack-o-lantern smile!

Saturday was another family dinner, this time at Memaw and Papaw's where you also got to have a sleepover with your cousins. Joey brought over her nail polish and gave Memaw a manicure while you and Sammy did my nails. Let me just say that an age difference of 5 years makes a huge difference in kids' ability to paint nails. Mine were..."interesting"...to put it mildly. But you both were having such fun, how could I say no? You and Sammy played like crazy together like two peas in a pod before Daddy and I headed home after wishing Memaw and Papaw "Good luck!" for the remainder of the sleepover.

Before we left, I overheard you and Sammy playing horsey (basically taking turns riding on each others' backs while on all fours). You had been riding on Sammy when you accidentally pulled her hair while hanging on. As she stood up, she said, "Ouch! Don't pull my hair"...then as she stood up, "I have to put my hair back. *sigh* I wish I had your haircut, Mali." ...And that little exchange made me smile. As small a comment as it was, it was still nice to hear after you've had such grief from some of your peers. It was nice to hear one of your friends give positive feedback and admiration for your hair style. I hope you heard it too, just like I did. You keep on "doing you", Mali. You are awesome just the way you are.

The sleepover went well and we picked you up on Sunday afternoon after a breakfast at Cracker Barrel and an adventure at Blacklick Woods with Memaw and Papaw. You were still having fun with your cousins when we got there, barely ready to leave. We drove home and you were exhausted after quite the exciting sleepover. Once home, you helped Lao Lao plant some bulbs in our front yard so that we will have some nice surprises come springtime (thank you, Lao Lao!). 

planting bulbs for spring

The rest of the evening was spent relaxing at home as a family. We were going to put up our Christmas decorations but due to some ongoing issues with cat pee (yuck!), we were delayed a bit as we tried to clean up yet another spot we found (right where we were hoping to put the Christmas tree!). We'll have to wait another 24 hours before we can start the decorating, but there's always a silver lining to any situation. Being forced to slow down and just "be", to feel comfy and cozy at home, I am reminded once again how important it is to just do nothing together. Sometimes I forget that. Actually, a lot of times I forget that.

I began the week in such need of a gratitude reboot. I remember riding to Thanksgiving dinner and looking out the window, opening myself up to a sign, a reminder, anything that would help my heart be renewed. I was desperate for it. And what do you know? Over the course of the week I got just that...and more. So much more.


Love,
Mama

Our First Snow, a Tree Lighting, and Parenting Epiphanies

Maliana ~

Monday began with a snow day for many, but not us. Boo! However, we decided to make it a snow night and after you and Daddy got home from hip hop, Audrey, you and me went outside and played in the snow under the moonlight. It was so cold but I stayed warm running with you in the sled back and forth down the sidewalk while Suzy chased after us. It was fun and I could have done that for hours as long as you kept screaming and laughing like you were here in this video below.

First "Sledding" of 2014!

Once inside, your shivering little body warmed up in the tub and afterwards put on your cozy jammies. You were so ornery all evening, saying silly things and wreaking all kinds of havoc. Here was just one of the many silly quips you shared with us...

Mali: "I need some water."
Mom: "Ok, well, you know where it is."
Mali: "No I don't. I'm new to this family."
Mom: "...???..."

 Smart aleck.

Along with your sharp wit, I also realized this week that you are absorbing the things that we attempt to discuss with you, even when I don't think you are listening. Take this text I received from Audrey Ayi, sharing a story of a conversation between the two of you...

The text from Audrey read:
So, I forgot to tell you last night that Mali started talking to me about empathy. I asked her what it meant to her and she said that it meant that you care how someone feels. I asked her how she is empathetic to others and she said that if she sees someone who is feeling badly she will try to tell them jokes because she is "the master of jokes". Hahaha. It was a nice conversation.

I love that you are taking in what we try to share with you. You are one smart cookie.

And speaking of the importance of listening to those around you, this week my eyes were opened a bit more to the importance of listening, and listening to adoptees in particular. It all began with an exchange I had on a Facebook group that shook me to my core as I learned the depth and volume of what I don't know about your experiences. I was lost in my thoughts for a few days, reflecting on how we could all (meaning your Daddy and I with you) do things better as a transracial family. I am still piecing things together and gathering information, trying to grow as a person and as your parent, but for now I feel I need to apologize ahead of time for doing or saying the wrong things in regard to adoption and all that goes with it. My intentions have never been and will never be to cause you more pain. However since I am human, I am guessing I probably will at some point (if I haven't already), so for that I am sorry. Moving forward (for now), I will just try to listen more to you and other adoptees so I can better grasp your experiences more fully, increase my own empathy for the journey you are on, and try to ready myself for the possible challenges and obstacles that lie ahead. 

Given the deepened realization of my duties as your parent and as a person, I began to feel a bit inept in my ability to do what I needed to do for you. Then I saw this picture below in a group I belong to on Facebook (actually, the same one that helped open my eyes this week) and it made me feel a tiny bit better. I may not know what I am doing a lot of the time, but I am definitely willing to go wherever it takes to try to help you. You are important and ALL of your thoughts and feelings matter. 

As for the rest of the week (or weekend, I should say), on Friday, you got to help out with a teacher's class after winning a contest at Octoberfest last month. You chose your friend Ibti to come with you and while you both felt a bit shy at first, you eventually had a good time and were very happy to share about how you helped out. You helped the class make Antarctic Apples and even got to wear a special teacher's name-tag! 

fueling up on mac-n-cheese after
a hard day of assistant teaching

That night we headed to Easton for their annual Christmas tree lighting. We drove over with Aunt Tina and Erin, then met Lao Lao, Pam and her son, Jack there where we watched the parade before the "big man himself" came to light the enormous tree in the square. I will admit that it was a bit much after a long and full week, the weather was cold and you kids were all a bit "hangry" (angry + hungry), but the lights were beautiful and it was all so festive. In spite of it all, I still enjoy the tradition and I think you kids enjoyed it too. 

Here's the video of the Easton Tree Lighting!

you and Erin waiting for the parade

some new "statues" at Easton

We had dinner with the Neuhausels on Saturday and you kids played together beautifully! It was a comfortable evening spent with a family that I consider to be good friends. On the way home, I couldn't help but feel extremely grateful that all of our paths crossed the way they did. 

Freddie, you and Mia being silly

On Sunday we slept in until 10, yes 10am! Hallelujah! The rest of the day was spent teaching you how to make french toast for breakfast (you loved it), cleaning the house (Daddy and I got a big kick out of sneaking a peek in your bedroom to watch you dancing around as you picked up your toys), helping Daddy put up Christmas lights, and getting a haircut before heading off to swim lessons. It was nice to have a day spent pretty much around the house with just minor errands here and there. I hope we can keep setting aside this cozy family time as we enter the craziness of this holiday season. It's so important to all of our sanity.

you were in charge of the lower bushes

Love,
Mama

A Guys' Trip and A Girls' Weekend

Maliana ~

So this weekend Daddy was going out of town, taking his buddy Jay up to Notre Dame to see the campus and Jay's first Irish game. As Daddy set out to pack his clothes, he realized that he no longer had a good overnight bag to use anymore. He asked if it would be ok to use your rolling suitcase just for this trip, to which you cautiously agreed. You made sure to provide him with a lot of lessons on how to use the combination lock and explaining about all of the secret compartments he can use to stash his stuff. The night he was packing, I ran out to the store and while there, I got this text from your daddy...

Had my clothes laid out on the bed. Went out to the kitchen to grab
something. I came back in the bedroom and found this. Love that kid.

The rest of the evening, you kept telling him that you would miss him. Friday morning, you even asked me if we could not talk about Daddy this weekend because you would miss him. And on our way to a birthday party (one of two on Saturday) we were listening to Ho Hey by the Lumineers and the chorus goes like this, "I belong with you; you belong with me, you're my sweetheart" which you actually think says, "in my sweet home." Well, you asked me to turn it down and then said with a sad look on your face, "Mom, you know that part that says, 'in my sweet home'? It makes me think of Daddy."

Honestly, you are the sweetest little munchkin on the planet. Hands down.

Since Friday was our first night flying solo with just us girls, you requested a dinner at the Chinese Buffet, just mom and daughter. Normally you get noodles, egg drop soup, dumplings, and the little sesame balls. That night you decided to try something new ~ clams! And you liked them. Correction...you loved them! You ate nine! I told you that maybe it's because you were born near the ocean in Xuwen, China, so it must be in your genes. You assured me that yes, of course it was.

my clam lover

You then asked me for some pennies to take over to their fountain so you could make some wishes. I watched as you threw each one in, clasped your tiny hands and squinted your eyes shut tightly as you made each wish. It was adorable. On our way back to the table, you said, "I can tell you the one I didn't wish because it's already true. I have the best mom."

Remember what I was saying about you being the sweetest munchkin? Yeah. That. Totally. No doubt in my mind that I have the best kid too.

After we filled our bellies, we scooped up Lao Lao and headed to Old Time Pottery to shop a bit and found they had drastically marked down their Halloween merchandise. We couldn't help ourselves.

On Saturday you slept in and I (for some reason) was up at 6:45am. Oy. However, it gave me a little quiet time to myself with a cup of coffee and my thoughts. I also was able to leisurely prepare some cheesy eggs for you without feeling like a short order cook, which was great. You finally woke up at around 8:45am looking refreshed and filling up on lots of protein in preparation for two birthday parties and inevitably lots of sugar for the rest of the day.

We got to Lainey's party first and celebrated her turning 6. It was a Frozen party with tons of cute treats and crafts, all themed from the movie and with your favorite being the Olaf cheese sticks. You were a bit shy, later telling me that you were feeling tired and that's why you were so quiet. In spite of that, you had a great time and of course it's always good to see our Fu buddies and meet new people.

evidence you were feeling tired...wanting to sit on
Mommy's lap during craft time

finishing up crafts

Happy birthday, Lainey!

munching with Mia

After Lainey's, we headed to the bowling alley for Keira's birthday (a friend from daycare) who was also turning 6. You were shy here too at first, but then warmed up and jumped in, having a good time bowling, helping with presents, and playing in the arcade before leaving for home.

the poor kid next to you was having a bit of a rough time
#buttcracksandblowouts

Since Saturday was our second night solo, Lao Lao and Audrey came over for a visit and Lao Lao ended up sleeping over. Nothing too crazy...just the three of us, two dogs, and a cat piled into our bed (which feels tinier by the minute on nights like these). Ha. Finally, I got up in the early morning and brought a pillow and blanket to the couch where I tried to get a little bit of sleep before the day began. You stumbled out into the living room and lounged with me under our blanket, cuddled into my chest as Lao Lao sat across from us reading and trying to wake up too. I love lazy mornings like that. And since you had just taken a bath the night before, using some of our good old Johnson and Johnson baby shampoo that I'd bought again for some reason, when I would bend down to kiss the top of your head as we snuggled, I breathed in your hair which smelled exactly like you used to as a baby during the months when you first came home to us. It's funny how a simple scent can take you back in time and make you feel so nostalgic for days gone by. Don't get me wrong, I love the age you are now...but I also miss you as that adorable little nugget with the huge smile and bald(ish) head, just learning about everything in your new home for the first time. It's the lament of every parent, I suppose. I guess I finally understand what parents who had gone before me used to say, "Every age is my favorite age"...yep, that pretty much sums it up perfectly.

Later on I walked the dogs as you rode your bike up to Lao Lao's to hang out while I went running. In spite of the weather being near freezing and sporadic flakes coming down, you bundled up and went for what might be your last bike ride of 2014. I think your chosen ensemble was perfect...what do you think?

pajamas, cowboy boots, and your backpack.
before we left, you asked me, "Do
cowboys tap dance?"

Once home, we checked our mailbox and lo and behold, you got a letter from our pal, Jo aka Yoyo in Colorado! You were surprised to see it was TWO whole pages and very excited to read that Raphael (of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles) is her favorite, just like you! You are so thrilled to write her a letter back but as soon as you sat down to do so, you got a bad case of writer's block. This coming week I have a feeling that this will be one of our big projects. You are taking this whole pen pal thing very seriously. It's all so sweet.

stoked to see that we got mail!

Just a couple more inches and I promise it will be much easier for you to get all the mail out a little more easily, Short Stack. Ha.


Daddy got home while I was in the shower and you were so ecstatic to see him that I could hear you cheering and yelling, "Daddy's home!" in spite of the rushing hot water all around me. You were so glad to have him home (as was I) and he even ended up being able to take you to swim lessons too! He says you are totally kicking butt on those right now, so... Yay for good swim instructors and a tough kid who's willing to overcome fears!

So, to sum it all up...we had a great weekend together as just us girls, Daddy enjoyed his guy time in South Bend, and now he is safe and sound at home with us. We're all back together in our cozy little home and they are calling for our first real snowfall tonight. Does it get any better? I think not.

Love,
Mama

Democracy, Adoption, and Campfires

Maliana ~

This week we did our civic duty and participated in democracy by voting in the mid-term elections. You even pushed all of the buttons for me and felt pretty fancy doing so.

thanks for the help, kiddo!

When we got home, I thought it was fitting that you chose your book about Martin Luther King, Jr. (you call him 'Marthur Luther King') for your homework and even drew a great picture of him giving a speech. I love that this book about racism, equality and civil rights is resonating with you so much.

you wrote, 'This is a pishr of Martin Luther King Jr.'
(he's giving a speech)

here's a picture you also drew of our family having a snowball
fight and you wrote, 'I love winter because I only eat white snow'

The rest of the night was spent writing a letter back to Mia (you two have become quite the little pen pals lately), dancing together (you requested Gangnam Style, knowing your mama would act like a fool with you), walking the dogs and talking about our days, and (you) doing yoga with Daddy while I ran to the gym. I love nights like this when we all just spend time doing nothing in particular but feeling close to one another.

We also finally got your school pictures back too, from both elementary school and daycare. They turned out super cute, if I do say so myself!

school picture, first grade

daycare pictures

Along with your rockin' school pictures...you also shared this little nugget with me...
~ On the way home today, Mali told me that if she were a turkey, she'd dress up like Sponge Bob so that no one would eat her.
Good, solid advice, eh?

The weekend finally arrived and it was really enjoyable for all. You spent a lot of time with Daddy this weekend and it was fantastic. You had a blast and watching the two of you together made me fall in love with Daddy all over again. He's a pretty awesome guy.

On Saturday, he took you to your mandarin class and then once home, you helped both Daddy and his friend, Sean, work on our retaining wall. You loved doing some shopping at the hardware store and then getting to actually help use some of their power tools. After a while, you came in for some lunch, but not before yelling down, "Hey Sean! I'm not going to build anymore! I'm tired. Can you tell my Daddy?" I guess that was your way of going 'clocking out' of your construction job. Ha.

no one can say that trips to the hardware store with Daddy are dull

helping Sean use his drill

That night I had made some beef stew in the crock pot and Audrey came over and all of us played different games and just acted like silly crazy people until bedtime. You even showed us your 'famous' card trick (which is pretty hysterical). It was a simple night, but those always turn out to be full of happy surprises. You were so slap-happy while we gave you a bath that you had us all cracking up. Being your mom is such a treasure ~ it's the simple joys that make life so much fun.

silly, silly, silly girls

Here's a little clip of part of your card trick...

Mali's (Not So) Slight of Hand

And just a small portion of the ensuing insanity in the bath tub...you came up with this one all on your own...

I am Bat Dad!

On Sunday you had a lot of Daddy time. I headed down to IKEA with Lao Lao to help her pick up a new kitchen table and had no idea what you and Daddy would be up to, but was pleasantly surprised when I received some updates throughout the day. You both had decided to have a Wild West Adventure and take the dutch oven out into our backyard and cook some vegetable soup over an open fire. You flipped out at this suggestion and were in hog heaven with getting to help Daddy build and stoke the fire; even eating the entire can of soup all by yourself straight out of the pot with your spoon. You were such a character that Daddy made videos of you, complete with swagger and a southern drawl. I. LOVE. IT. You have such an amazing camera presence...I'm thinking you just might need your own YouTube channel. There are already several people who I am sure would subscribe. Your personality is one in a million...and then some!

thumbs up for living off the land!!

Here are the videos...each more adorable than the last!

Wild West Adventure - part 1!

Wild West Adventure - part 2!

Wild West Adventure - part 3!

After your adventure in the backyard, Daddy took you to swim lessons and then Piada for dinner. You were pretty wiped out and so as he carried you from the car up to the house, you rested your head on his shoulder. He loved it. For the most part, you've been a mama's girl, so Daddy lives for moments like that. It was such a special day for the two of you...once again, one of those simple days that turns out to be full of happy surprises.

Once I got home, I had noticed that he had also packed your lunch for the next day...with this inside...

All of this just made my heart so full.

And last but certainly not least, this week we were able to explicitly touch on and directly address an issue that I've been pondering and wrestling with for some time now...over five years, to be exact. It's something that's particularly weighed heavier on my heart as you've gotten older and most certainly within the last few years. ... Your first family...your birth family...your China family.

This family that shares your bloodline has always been in my thoughts and I have tried to honor them in various ways and mention them when I could. With you being so young (up until now), I wasn't sure how much of it you understood, how much of it seemed real to you or how much seemed like just an abstract concept. Over the last several weeks, I've come across a lot of articles and other information on the topic, both from other adoptive families and invaluably from other adoptees. With your recent growth (both physically and emotionally), it seemed like a good time to approach this topic from a more direct angle and get a feel for where you are and what you might need.

Knowing that you are a smart kid, but also at that age where things are still pretty concrete, I brainstormed some ideas about how to give all of us a way to further communicate an openness with you about your birth family, ways to tangibly honor them and help you begin to wrestle with any questions, concerns, thoughts, and feelings that may begin to come up as you start to process this part of your life. A couple of the ideas I came up with (for better or worse) were providing you a special jar or box that you could use to put inside any notes, pictures, questions, or other mementos that you might wish to symbolically share with your birth family; I also thought we could get a special candle that we can light whenever you (or any of us) wish to honor them, such as your birthdays, holidays, special occasions or any other day that they are especially on your mind. I was hoping that doing this would be a start in helping us crack open the door on this part of your journey. But only if you were ready.

The day after I settled on these particular ideas, I brought them up to you when we got home from school to see how you felt about them. You listened to my ideas, thought about them for a minute, and then hesitated. I prodded you a bit and eventually you were able to tell me that you weren't interested in doing anything like this yet. While you closed the door a bit to exploring this (with me involved), I am grateful that you were able to verbalize a thoughtful response, voice your needs at this moment in time, and communicate your hesitation to me, on your terms. Up until now, the information that you have been willing to share of your thoughts or feelings about your birth family, the beginning of your life in China, and your adoption have been very minimal. And while it seems it will remain pretty minimal for now, I completely respect where you are. I still worry that we are not doing or saying enough for you in discussing your beginnings, and for that I apologize in advance if we are failing you. But at this moment in time, I feel I need to fully respect that these are not the steps you are ready to take yet. I did make sure to let you know that Daddy and I will be here when you are ready to take a next step, whatever and whenever it may be.

Even though we aren't going to take this particular road at this moment in time, I finally feel like I understand a sliver more of where you might be on your path. I don't presume to know what you are going through...but I hope that we can keep the lines of communication open so that you are comfortable talking to Daddy and me when the time is right. I am more than happy to take your lead, to go at whatever pace you see fit. And while it may not be right now, I do hope with all of my heart that you will feel comfortable coming to us when the time comes. You can tell us anything, no matter what. I told you so much, at that moment in our conversation. And I honestly think you took it in. I hope that you are taking it to heart. We'll see where it all goes from here. The road you will travel in processing and piecing together your whole life will be complex and not always easy. There will be ups and downs and all sorts of thoughts and feelings that I have no way of predicting. I may not be able to take away the pain that is inevitable, but I can tell you that your Daddy and I will be here to help in any way that we can. I promise.

I love you to the moon and back...and even farther...always and forever.

Love,
Mama

P.S.
And since this letter to you leaves off on the topic of adoption and all that goes with it, it is fitting to mention that November is America's national adoption month. This Sunday was actually the first annual World Adoption Day...history in the making. Social media blew up with pictures of families touched by adoption showing smiley faces they had drawn on their hands. Of course we jumped on the bandwagon too. What kid would pass up a chance to draw on their parents in permanent marker?

happy #worldadoptionday

xo
mama