One year ago today, I was more nervous than I’d ever been in my life. Your dad and I had dreamed about this day for so long, and it was finally here. After spending a few days sightseeing in Beijing, we had finally arrived in Guangzhou the previous night. Lao Lao, your dad, and I woke up after only a few hours of sleep due to thunderstorm delayed flights the night before, got ready at the hotel, climbed into a van with some other parents, and made the journey into the heart of Guangzhou to their Adoption Center for our official appointment. We went through many check-ins upon arrival, including taking our temperature due to the swine flu scare. As we rode up the elevator, we were all so hot and sweaty from the near 100 degree heat there, it's a wonder we all didn't appear to have fevers. I was even shaking a bit too, butterflies rattling around in my stomach like mad. We got up to the correct floor, walked through the corridor and into a large room with black, white, and red couches, and a ton of other parents and family members all around. We made our way to a couch, strolling by a room with a curtain over the door, catching a glimpse of many children and babies there. We knew you had to be inside, but we couldn’t spot you on our quick look around. We sat down on the couch to wait for them to call our name as that appeared to be how things were done here. Our nerves were building rapidly.
They began calling out names, and then handing parents their new children, one by one. The family who was called just before ours received their daughter, probably about 3 or 4 years old, who proceeded to throw herself on the ground, kicking and screaming, terrified I am sure at this very traumatic experience. That really shook us up, your Dad in particular. To this day, he can still remember her screams and cries. Then, they called “Wilkinson” . Your Dad jokes that he was so shaken up by that poor child crying that he wasn’t sure what he wanted to do at that point. Of course, we got up and went across the room to where a woman was holding this teeny tiny little baby, her face all squished up in what looked like terror and such concerned little eyes, dressed in a beige and white striped onesie jumper, with a baby blue, yellow, and white towel wrapped around her neck. Initially, I wasn’t even sure it was you. You looked so much tinier than in the photographs. You were gripping onto this woman with both arms and legs all wrapped around her, so much so that it looked like you were bow-legged. You seemed so scared, not knowing what was happening to you at all and probably frightened by all of the commotion surrounding you. It nearly broke my heart. But at the same time, my heart swelled even bigger than it has in my entire life.
We gently took you into our arms, with me holding you first. You were so terribly frightened, crying in this hoarse little voice and battling between clinging to me and trying to push me away all at the same time. I tried to control my tears so as not to frighten you more, but it was so hard as we’d wanted this day for so long and you were every dream come true for us. I remember you feeling so small in my arms, and not knowing how to really hold you since I hadn’t held a lot of babies recently. I remember thinking that you were my child now, and then feeling a little strange as I didn’t even know how to comfort you. I wished there was something more I could do for you, but I had no idea what. We stood in the middle of that room, frozen with confusion and certainty, sadness and joy, fear and confidence, and many many other opposing feelings – you name it, we were feeling it that day. I just kept trying to talk to you in a soothing voice and stroke your tiny head and body softly.
We finally moved over to the couch to sit down, which you actually did NOT like at all. You preferred to be standing and moving (as we found out later but did not realize at the time). As soon as I sat down, your crying kicked up a notch and you literally were writhing around in my arms, so terrified of what was to happen next. I can recall feeling so helpless in that moment. I felt awful at first, like “What kind of mom am I that I can’t even soothe my own daughter? I don’t know what I am doing”. Eventually, you began to calm down as Dad and I began singing to you together, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. We must have sung that to you over 30 times in a row. You began to quiet a bit, still not able to control your breathing and getting those big gasps and shudders from crying so much. Soon you were calmer, just looking back and forth between the two of us. Still very fearful, but you seemed to be more curious and slightly more at peace now, perhaps finally realizing that we were not some horrible set of monsters here to eat you. Dad took off his glasses and let you inspect them, which you seemed curious about, (little did we know what a curious little person you would turn out to be). I remember feeling so relieved when you finally were able to calm down a bit, and my confidence in being your mom began to grow by just a teeny tiny fraction, but growing nonetheless.
After you had settled for a while, we got up again as we had so many questions to ask of the orphanage director, the woman who had driven with you the nearly 8 hour trek from Xuwen to Guangzhou. (What a trip that must have been for you!) As she came back over with our translator, Lucy, she told us “Suirong loves me, see…” and held her arms out for you to come back to her. Well, you clung to me like crazy at that moment. I hated to see you so frightened again, but in a way I felt relieved that perhaps you felt comfortable enough with me and even at that early a time in our lives together, sensed that I was your mama now.
We stood in the middle of that noisy room, with all of the other parents and children meeting for the first time, and asked that orphanage director all sorts of questions about you and your life up until that point in time. She gave us many answers, some of which included how to feed you, that you disliked the dark, and also did not like the color black. Most of these answers, however, I believe I have written in your daily journal, covering that first year of your life with us, so I will not list them all again here now. Some were helpful, some raised more questions. As much as we asked her, the more I realized that these were the beginnings of our own special adventure together. No matter how much she told us, the three of us, you, Dad, and I, were going to have to learn how to do all of this together, slowly. I definitely wanted to capture as much information for you as I could from her, however, as far as looking for a magic formula on how to be your mama, I was really just going to have to wing it and do my best. (I hope I have done ok so far).
As we wrapped up our questions, we took a picture of the three of us with the director. A photo that would become a part of your 3 photo story. Then, as the other parents finished, we got ready to depart to go back to the hotel. We all posed for a picture with our new daughters, right in front of the Adoption Center sign. You were by far the most infantile appearing little one of the bunch, you looked so teensy and pale in comparison. Again, little did we know how hearty you are and actually what an amazingly dark complexion you would grow into by the end of this first year with us. The three new families (now with Maya and Lan Lan aka Annabelle in tow) climbed back into the van with Lucy, and away we went back to the hotel for more paperwork. You were still so fearful looking, peering around the van at everyone and clinging to me for dear life. You became enthralled with my Mother’s Day gift that year, a locket with your picture in it, and just kept playing with it the entire way back to the hotel.
We sat in the lobby of the hotel and once the mounds of paperwork were completed, we headed back to our hotel room. At that point, we knew that we needed to take off all of your clothes, check your little body for any unusual markings, change your diaper, and generally begin to get to know you better. You became terrified again as we took off your clothes, especially terrified when we took off the towel on your neck. You had a rash around your neck from this towel as it was pretty soaked through from your drooling. We changed your diaper and you cried hysterically, breaking our hearts but we tried to be strong and as soothing as possible for you. Once we got your clothes off and diaper changed, we put you into a very brightly colored tie-dyed outfit that was handed down from Joe Yersavich, Daddy's childhood best friend. It was so colorful and when we finally got you dressed, you just looked at yourself in wonder, holding your arms out and gaping at your new threads. It was so sweet. Then, we laid you back on the bed, laying one on each side of you, and stroked your tiny body. You had calmed down now, no doubt exhausted from your emotionally draining few days. You just kept looking back and forth between us, taking it all in and perhaps still sizing us up. I loved this time with you…it was one of the first quiet moments we had as a family and was so special to me. You were just so beautiful, the most beautiful child I had ever laid my eyes on. I couldn’t believe you were ours now, we had finally met you after waiting so long. After a while, Dad held you, and eventually, after looking out the window at the street below and much pacing and gently bouncing you up and down, you fell asleep in his arms. Lao Lao and I went downstairs to get some additional supplies for you at that point, since you were contentedly sleeping in your daddy’s arms now. The craziness of those first moments were over, and everything seemed right with the world.
While, I knew that there were many many more hurdles to get over with you in the coming days and months, and I would always try to keep in mind what a huge transition this was for you, I also felt like everything was exactly as it should be, my heart was full and complete.
So, Happy Gotcha Day Maliana...this is the first of many celebrations of our first day as a family. You have brought so much joy to our lives in this past year. I just hope we can give you even half as much love and happiness as you have given us by just being around you. You are an amazing wonder to me. You have the natural ability to brighten the days of those you meet and light up any room you enter. We are eternally grateful that, of all the children in the entire world, you were chosen to be our daughter. We do, and promise to always, deeply cherish every second with you.
We love you, forever and always,
Mama and Daddy
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