My Own Personal Ponderings about Trans-Racial Adoption

So, this post is simply a way for me to air a little bit of the emotional struggles I’ve been going through lately, nothing more, nothing less.


It all began, or at least heightened, with the viewing of an amazing documentary called, “Adopted, the Movie”, (and also the resulting pursuit and reading of multiple blogs written by adult trans-racial adoptees). The blogs are extremely interesting, touching, and have shed a whole new light for me on all of the complexities of trans-racial adoption, from “the horse’s mouth” so to speak. The film opened my eyes even more and brought home the harsh truths about how, at least one particular adoptee has struggled in forming her own identity while growing up in an all white family and community. Granted, the adult main character of the documentary had “awful, narrow-minded, and emotionally stunted” parents, which frustrated and drove me insane nearly every time they would open their mouths. However, what this woman was describing about how she felt about all of her life’s experiences really touched me deep inside. It terrified me for two main reasons. First being that I know that these struggles (and likely this pain in some form) lie ahead for Mali at some point (or even multiple points) in her future development. I know there’s nothing I can do to truly (and I mean, on a gut level, instinctively and intuitively) understand from a first-hand perspective, and there is nothing I can do to completely protect her from it. Secondly, in relation to that, I have begun to really question what I am doing for Mali now and realizing what I need to do for Mali in the future to insure she has the right tools and support to deal with what is inevitable.

At the moment, I feel woefully inadequate. What if I make mistakes? What if I am not enough? What if I am not strong enough? What if I say the wrong things? What if I make things a million times worse for the one person in the world that it is my duty to do right by? Suffice it to say, I’m terrified. I know these are all things that I need to personally work through…to educate myself (and our family) more, reach out for personal and group support more, engage our family in the local Asian community, remain more conscious and vigilant about the blatant and subtle oppression I see in the world around us…the list goes on and on. It’s almost like right now I just want to dive in and know what lies ahead, so I can better prepare for the exact challenges that are coming. Unfortunately, short of obtaining a crystal ball, I know that’s not possible. I have no way of knowing how Mali will process her history (or lack there-of), her life, her adoption, her identity. I just hope I can convey the openness she needs within our family to be able to discuss anything she needs to discuss with both her Dad and I. I want her to know that we are strong enough to handle any feelings that she may have and that we are here to help her seek out any other resources that we may not provide or even realize are necessary at different critical points for her. I want her to feel like she has company on this journey of life and discovery, but that she also has the freedom and independence to come to her own conclusions about her identity, her background, and her life as she sees fit for herself. I don’t want her to feel pressure of any kind to embrace (or ignore) something simply because the people around her have done so (either intentionally or out of ignorance).

In summation, I have so many emotions going through my head and heart right now…I simply had to write this entry to release some of this swirling and mounting pressure. I have no big wrap-up, no big epiphanies, and no big grand finales to make this post nice and tidy as it comes to a close. I just had to get these thoughts and feelings off my chest and send them into the universe. In the hope and prayer that what Mali needs, (as well as our whole family), will reveal itself and come back to us when the time is right.