Whew...LABORing in more ways than one this week!

Maliana ~

Ha Ha Ha!! I got this text from Stacy and Cadence (two of our favorite Virginians) bright and early Monday morning. Love starting my week with a chuckle, sparked by my favorite kiddo in the world (psst, that's you). You're such a silly little trend-setter!

Stacy's text:
~I can no longer turn my camera on Cadence without her making her silliest face a la Mali!~

Ahhh...I'm glad I had that laugh to begin the week. As the days wore on, events from the last week (that were never mentioned here) began to wear on me. One morning, I even woke up crying. It was 3:30am and I was a mess and could not go back to sleep. I won't go into details here, the who or the why is not important at this point...but let's just say that someone I care about deeply, someone who I thought was supposed to care about me unconditionally too, hurt me very much. And as I launch into explaining this situation and its effect on me, I'll apologize in advance if I am all over the map. I wasn't sure if I should even include it at all, however since it affected me so deeply, I figured I had no choice. This blog would be nothing if not honest, right?

To touch briefly on and set the stage for my emotional state lately I must mention your trials as well. I've been going back and forth with feeling fear and anxiety and an overwhelming sense of guilt about all of the things that you are currently dealing with (e.g. your scope, fluoroscopy, and the inevitable surgeries that will soon follow). In the midst of all this my guilt has also doubled each time I need to use any discipline because of your strong-willed and at times defiant behavior. I can't help but wonder if some of your unruliness has to do with feeling a lack of control due to doctors' and therapists' pokes and prods of you lately, or even if something as seemingly benign as joining a new class at school has you rattled and longing to regain some power over yourself. At any rate, I have NOT felt like "Mother of the Year" in my attempts at discipline, second-guessing myself at anything I do.

Going back to the event that really upset me, when this person acted so harshly, it was the straw that broke the camel's back. Past pain resurfaced that I thought I had dealt with long ago. I felt like my heart was broken in two. It felt awful and I am still sorting through it all at the moment. Who knows how long it will take? By the end of the week, I can say it has gotten better. Resolution is beginning, slowly and unsteadily, but still beginning.

One thing is for certain though, once things are said, it is hard to take them back. So, if I have anything to share, perhaps my lesson for you would be this ~ Always Choose Your Words Wisely. An easy way to remember this is with an acronym I've decided to bear in mind from now on ~"THINK"~ which stands for "is it TRUE? is it HELPFUL? is it INSPIRING? is it NECESSARY? and finally is it KIND?" If it doesn't meet all of those criteria, well, don't say it. Period. I know, I know. Easier said than done sometimes. But I'll try to give it my best shot, and hopefully in doing so can provide you with a better example moving forward.

In keeping with my nifty new "THINK" tool, the other silver lining in all of this that is slowly showing itself to me is a fervent desire and sincere prayer that I never ever treat you so abrasively. I can't imagine deliberately saying hurtful things to you, shattering any sense of comfort in knowing that I, your parent, loves you and will love you unconditionally no matter who you are or what you choose to believe in or become, but simply will love you because you are my daughter.

I know I have no crystal ball, and I can't predict what events will unfold in our lives as the years go by. After all, we're only human. There's bound to be misunderstandings, mistakes made by one or the both of us, and turbulent times as naturally befall anyone's life will arise, no matter how good our intentions or how much we try to avoid them. These kinds of things are inevitable, such is life. However, I am hoping and praying with all of my might that I can take some good from my painful experiences and put it to use in choosing to do better for you. I desperately want you to grow up healthy, self-assured, emotionally literate, empathic, confident, able to take risks, follow through with what you start, try new things, appreciate and respect all people (including and especially people different from yourself), learn from others, be true to who you are, and through all of that to not be afraid to share your thoughts and experiences with your dad and I. The list could go on and on of all the things I wish for you...but the most important part of it for me to remember, the part that I hope you will always feel safe with, is the secure knowledge that you can always come back to Dad and I and feel proud of yourself. Feel proud of who you are because we promise to accept and love you no matter what. No. Matter. What. You can count on us.

When I woke up at 3:30am and couldn't go back to sleep, I just lay there next to you for an hour. Every so often I would reach over and stroke your head, kiss your cheek, unfortunately cry some more, and whisper things like, "I love you" or "I'm so sorry you are going through such hard things right now" or "I will always be here, no matter what". I don't know for sure if you heard any of it, but at one point at least, you reached up and touched my face gently. I like to think you at least felt how much I love you, even if your sleeping mind couldn't make sense of all the words.

I didn't think I'd make it through the entire day after getting up at 3:30am, however I did and even ended up taking you to Blendon Woods after school. You were fascinated by looking at their collection of bones, shells, and skulls with a magnifying glass at the nature center. One of the rangers even remarked on how inquisitive you were after listening to all of your questions. I joked that I just wished I had more answers for you. Thank goodness for the internet!

The last week or week and a half, you have also discovered the joys of the Fresh Beat Band. You are into them...I mean, HOOKED. You are enamored by their jokes and of course their dancing. You were even inspired to set up this drum set in the living room and go to town...

and this was just the beginning of it...you kept asking me,
"Mom, do you have some more?"...at which point I'd bring
 you another pot or glass to add to the collection

you were on fiyah!!

By Friday, it was time for yet another one of your tests at the hospital, the fluoro (basically, shooting barium into your nose with a syringe, positioning you for X-rays of your head and neck, then expecting you to say 5-6 words willingly as they take each video X-ray). We were able to snap up an appointment in a flurry and figured we just wanted to try to put this all behind us.  Thankfully Lao Lao had taken you to breakfast and hung out with you that morning while I worked, taking your mind off of what was to come, and also thankfully accompanied us to the hospital as well. We headed downtown, got all ready, and made two attempts to take these "pictures" of you (as we kept calling them). Unfortunately, I am disheartened to report that it did not go any better than the scope. It was probably too soon on the tail of the last hospital visit, too many memories that still lingered to make you scared even before it was go time. Then holding you down to get the barium into your nose was it. You were done. No cooperation at all, just a steady whined repition of "I want to go home" in the middle of hysterical tears. I knew it wouldn't work even before we began. The radiologist even called your surgeon Dr. Pearson to ask what we should do next. After hearing about how you clammed up so much with the scope last time that you began using sign language and refusing to speak at all, Dr. Bates (the radiologist) made the comment that you are just too smart for this. You are so aware of what is happening to you. And so determined to fight for yourself, no matter what. You fell asleep in my arms as we talked to Ms. Christina and the other speech fellow that was there, clearly spent from all of the tears and struggling. When you woke, we had lunch in the hospital cafeteria and all seemed forgiven. Thank goodness. It breaks my heart to see you go through this stuff, knowing it has to be done and feeling like I am completely helpless in it all.

see? already feeling better and trying to steal nuts
from the squirrel at Children's Hospital!

We all felt better after lunch and headed to the zoo for the afternoon. It was just the change of scenery and the kind of fun we all needed. Even though we go to the zoo quite often, we had not yet seen two new attractions, the 8 week old tiger cubs and Sting Ray Bay. Both were super cool, but I think Sting Ray Bay was by far our favorite. After one heck of a stressful morning for you, the squeals and laughter while we stroked the velvety soft sting rays as they glided by, getting splashed by the more ornery ones, and fed them very stinky raw fish was music to my ears. Watching you bounce back to 180 degrees different than you were just a few short hours ago was reassuringly a great reminder of how resilient kids really are. Whew...maybe it's not so horribly damaging to be "mean mommy" every now and then.

you said, "they're so tiny!"

sweet

 

showing me how to do the "2 finger touch" for the sting rays

they felt like smooth, soft, wet velvet

eating a fish out of Lao Lao's hand...their mouth is actually
underneath what looks like their chin

it felt funny when they'd suck on you!

getting splashed by a sting ray

both of you soaked and happy at Sting Ray Bay

 

I think this sheep is British

polar bears rock!

 

can you believe Lao Lao had never ridden the train at the zoo??

And finally, as I was fidgeting with your stroller in the back of the car, I came across this...

During one of our crazy daycare pickups, you must have chucked it all the way back behind all the seats before I even had a chance to see it, not to be found until nearly 4 months after Mothers' Day! But let me just say, I LOVE IT! Thank you sweetheart...and I guess better late than never, right?

Friday night you and Daddy went to hang out with Uncle Joe, Sam, and Erin...getting your first introduction to poker, while Aunt Tina and I went out to grab a beer and get some much needed girl time. She helped me work through the events of my week, put things in perspective, and of course laugh. Even though Tina came into our lives a little later, she's one of the people I feel most comfortable with and respect even greater the more I get to know her. I hope you can find friends like her in your life. At some point, they cease to be just friends and become family instead. And there's nothing better than that.

Saturday was a fairly lazy day aside from Tang Soo Do in the morning. It was nice to have all of us home all day and just be together with no real demands of any sort. Time for naps and football games on tv, then making chocolate peanut butter acorns in the evening after dinner. We all got pretty messy but you did a really good job on yours!

concentration

proud

your best squirrel impression

Side note for this weekend...you currently are pronouncing "ravioli" as "ravaloli" and "gorilla" as "golilla". As much as we are working on your speech right now, I can't help but let words like these slip by just a bit longer. They're just too cute to correct just yet.

Sunday was another lazy day for us before we headed to Wai Gong and Memaw Lisa's for a cookout to celebrate not only Labor Day but also to honor our matriarch, Ggma. We all had written down special memories to display on cards for her, and Memaw Lisa, Wai Gong, and Blaize had put together a poster board filled with pictures of Ggma all the way from when she was just a year old to present day. She is 87 years old but living as strong and vibrantly as ever. I sure hope I can live as fully as she has, still kicking butt and taking names in her 80th decade!

pictures and cake for Ggma

all of our notes

 

Nancy (aka Aunt Nancy) and Ggma have been friends for 46 years!!

the family surrounding our Ggma

 

you discovered the joy of playing harmonica...I had no
idea you'd LOVE it so much! (and FYI, you are
plugging your nose so no air escapes through
the hole in your palate. my smart little girl)

serenading us all with the harmonica while
Wai Gong whistles along

Monday morning, our bonus weekend day thanks to the Labor Movement, we woke up slowly and snuggled under the covers. Daddy headed to the gym to begin his week on the right foot with a work out while you and I stayed home and painted birdfeeders.

Monday afternoon you and Daddy went to BW3's to meet Daddy's old friend Todd who is in town from Hilton Head. It'd been 3 years since they had seen each other so it was a long overdue visit. You also discovered that you really dig chicken wings. Win/Win!

 

Afterwards Lao Lao came over and we piled you into your stroller while we took a walk and you napped in the fresh air. Love these cooler late summer days. Then off to Spoon Me for some yummy frozen yogurt (which you guessed where we were going even though I only spelled everything except mentioning it was by the Stoneridge shopping center - man you're smart! A little too smart sometimes!) 

 

Monday evening was a quiet wrap to a long holiday weekend. It was nice to have some peace and serenity with what was quite a tumultuous week both physically and emotionally for all of us. Here's a toast to hoping the coming week is more thoughtful, calm, and peaceful in every way.

 

Love,

Mama

Your Pre-K Debut and the Infamous Scope Debacle

Maliana ~

Hey girly boo! So guess what? You officially started in your Pre-K class this week! You were so stoked and couldn't wait to show me what you'd done on Monday. Evidently Ms. Beth had asked you all to draw pictures of your favorite thing(s). Your drawing was magnificent, full of all kinds of people (and I think a couple dogs). No one can deny you are a people person!

Ms. Beth hung up your picture with your new class.
I love your artistic ability and imagination!

Actually I asked you later and you said that the reddish/yellow person is Daddy (with a mohawk), I am the one with the very high blue hair next to Daddy, you are the little grey person on the lower left (with a yellow mohawk like Daddy), and there are two Abby dogs (the grey critters with 4 legs). Also, a side detail...the black thing in Daddy's hand is because "he's taking out the trash." Ha ha.

We also went to drop off a present to Uncle Blaize since he'll be starting high school this week. As we drove out there, slowly, in traffic, you noticed that up ahead it looked blurry. You initially asked if it was smoke and so I explained exhaust and vapors to you...then you kept observing it and commented that it goes away when we get close. I love how perceptive you are to the world around you. Unfortunately, during this same long drive, as we edged along in a slow line of traffic, you would not allow me to sing with the radio. "Mom. Don't sing." Complete with an eye roll and a shake of your head. C'mon. Are you serious? Well...hate to break it to you kid, but the simple fact of knowing that it bugs you just sealed the deal that you will have many more car rides with me, singing even louder and probably doing a little car dancing if the song is really good. Ha.

Another little gem that you shared with me today was, "Mom. I don't want to get married. And I don't want a belly ring." (When I asked why, you only expounded on that last part because you told me it would hurt). Well, okay then. Duly noted. You then said (in a very nonchalant manner) "I don't want to be like you", to which I replied that that was probably good. It's better to be your OWN person and do the things that you love, not necessarily the things that other people do or want you to do. I know it was a bit of a heavier topic that likely went right over your head (at least in the context that I was thinking about it). But it's good practice for me for when we really do have these types of discussions. And you seemed content with that response. And just for the record, I honestly don't know many women who want to be exactly like their moms. It's better to pick out the positive stuff and leave the stuff that (how shall I say this?) "still needs some work" alone. I'm definitely more excited to see who YOU will be, and NOT how like me you'll be.

Along with your Pre-K debut this week, we also tackled your nasopharyngeal scope at Childrens'. We have been worrying about this for a while, not looking forward to it because I could have predicted (down to the most minute detail) how it would go. You were in a wonderful mood all morning, enjoying a super breakfast with Daddy and I at Gena's. You were even in a silly mood all the way up until they actually came in to do it. Full cooperation mode up until it was go time. And then...it took 4 staff members and me to hold you down, and it still took a long while to get the scope in through your nose and into position in the back of your throat. When we first began you had already made up your mind that A) you were PISSED and B) there would be NO cooperation today. No matter how we attempted to soothe or coax, you were not going to say ANY of the words we needed you to say to get an accurate picture of how you produce the sounds from the inside. When we all finally gave up and decided it just was not going to work, you were covered in sweat, snot, slobber, and tears. Completely exhausted from all of your fighting. You are the most strong-willed girl, even refusing to speak after all was calm again, and instead gesturing and doing sign language until we left the office. We decided to try a less invasive procedure next time (I think the staff realized that you were likely to never be "on board" with trying these shenanigans again). The new attempt is nicknamed a "fluoro" and basically is an X-ray version to get this same information. Here's crossing all of my fingers and toes that it will go smoother.

As hard as it was, something that made everything all that much easier for each of us was having your Audrey Ayi there too. You know, she has attended all of your major (and even some minor) appointments here at the hospital. She loves you so much, you really have no idea. Knowing how much you love Legos and Iron Man, she even stopped and thoughtfully got you some gifts for today to help you feel better and take your mind off of what was coming/what had happened. We cracked up when you opened your monkey from Build A Bear, dressed in an Iron Man costume...then she also had Star Wars and Iron Man Legos for you which she presented after your scope, during our celebratory lunch at Spaghetti Warehouse. You loved it all, but not nearly as much as you (and all of us) love our Audrey Ayi. In fact, Daddy just mentioned the other day how much he likes it when he comes home and sees Audrey's car in front of the house. We are very very fortunate to have her in all of our lives, but I feel even more blessed that this precious friend (who has been in my life since childhood) is now in your childhood as well. Really good friends, true friends, can be hard to find, so when you get lucky enough and one stumbles into your life Mali, don't ever let them go.

loving your Iron Man Monkey!

thank you Audrey Ayi!

monkey rides!

your shirt was so slobbery and soaked when we left
the hospital, they gave you a gown to wear home,
which you kept on throughout lunch (along with your hospital
bracelet) and ended up with the result of looking
like an escaped mental patient. ha ha!

so we all had to join in the fun and try our best to look
like escaped mental patients (I think we succeeded!)





Back to work and school on Wednesday. Went well all around, you were so excited to show me what you'd done that day when I picked you up. Then home where you played outside with the neighbors. It was a beautiful night and our next door neighbors were kind enough to include you in their picnic dinner. You kids are too cute when you get together.

let's have a picnic!

A very sweet neighborhood boy who has always taken a liking to you also dropped by. Devrick is in the 6th grade now and he just continues to impress me every year with what a nice young man he is turning out to be. You know, he's one of those kids who, (even if he's with his friends), is never too "cool" to be respectful, say hi or stop and talk to the little kids or the grown ups. Ever since you came home 3 years ago, he has always gone out of his way to say a special hi to you, give you "knuckles", or just stop and play. Tonight he stopped and talked to Brittany and me while you, Brooklyn, and Brayson played. He gave us a little insight as to what it's like in middle school these days (yikes!), but one bright spot I found is that they are now offering Chinese as a foreign language option. Back when I was in school it was mainly French, Spanish, and maybe German once you got to high school. Devrick is actually taking Chinese this year! That is so cool!

So, Friday we kicked off our weekend with a great speech session where Ms. Christina surprised you with an Iron Man mask to play with as long as you work hard. Perfect! Very thoughtful of her!

Then we immediately went to meet Pam (a good high school friend of mine) and her little boy Jack at the park and had a great time. At the playground, you and Jack were constantly racing around in two different directions nearly the whole time (keeping us moms on our toes) but then as we headed to dinner at Carsonie's where Jack's dad Brian met us, and then later as we went to get frozen yogurt at Josie's, you and Jack became like two peas in a pod. You two are so silly! If I learned one thing this afternoon, it was that we definitely all need to spend more time together!

being silly

playing pizza shop

 

more silly

racing!

frisking???

 

looks like Jack is amused by your Iron Man impression

taking a breather

hugs goodbye ~ Jack is such a lover

Saturday morning I was privileged enough to wake up to your arms draped all over me, or big (sometimes slightly painful) snuggles as you changed position and tried to get even closer to me in the wee hours before waking up. Love that more than you know.

Then off to the Children's Hospital Cleft Lip and Palate Support Group picnic at Jeffrey Mansion in Bexley. It was gorgeous weather and a super turnout. It's always so nice to meet more and more families with such great kids.

the picnic...

frisbee!

chalk drawing with new friends...
the woman in the jean skirt and white shirt is Dr. Baylis,
the doctor who attempted your scope this week.
thankfully, you harbored no hard feelings towards
her as all was forgiven by the picnic

mini-Picasso

playing with your friend Lainey, Ms. Christina's daughter

all of you kids did a fabulous job with the chalk...
gorgeous!

Quick nap at home and then you, Lao Lao and I headed to Sunbury/Galena for their Sizzle and Sounds/Summerfest. Everyone was packing up shop by the time we made it down there, but the big hit of the evening was dancing to the live bands and riding the trolley!

dancing!

those headlights are the trolley coming!

hanging off the back of the trolley...woo hoo!!

Sunday morning found you having breakfast at Bob Evans with, you guessed it, Memaw and Papaw. A quick trip to the grocery store with Dad, then home for relaxation, a sad attempt at a nap (you were not having any of it), and finally dinner with our favorite Uncle Joe and Aunt Tina. It was Aunt Tina's birthday this week, yet she still insisted on having us over for dinner. The ultimate giver she is. It was a nice time and a great reminder of how wonderful they are with you. Both of them have a magic touch when it comes to you, a talent that Daddy and I feel is slipping through our fingers these days as you get older and are becoming more comfortable with asserting yourself and using your voice. Uncle Joe really shined at dinner as he got you to eat not only a few bites but ALL of your green beans by his little game of "I'm going to close my eyes while you eat something. Then I have to guess what it was!" Here's a little photo of Joe working his magic...

like a charm, baby

And Uncle Joe's magic doesn't just work on you either, it extends to Daddy as well. Lately, Daddy has been going through some tough times with lots of grown up worries. It's been pretty hard, but I genuinely feel that everything will work out, so no need to worry. However, while at their house Joe could sense Daddy needed to talk and so Uncle Joe and Daddy ran to the store for a bit before dinner. It really helped. There's nothing like talking to an old friend who truly understands you. I think I mentioned how lucky we all are when we find really good friends in our lives, and how we should be sure to hang on to them no matter what. Well, Uncle Joe and Aunt Tina are two more of these friends. It's like good medicine whenever we can spend time with them. Not only are Daddy and I blessed to know them, but you are as well. On the way home from their house tonight, I reflected on how fortunate I feel that you can be growing up with so many well-rounded, sincere, giving, genuine, loving, courageous, hilarious, fair and open-minded people in your life too. Life really is good.

Love,
Mama