Whew...LABORing in more ways than one this week!

Maliana ~

Ha Ha Ha!! I got this text from Stacy and Cadence (two of our favorite Virginians) bright and early Monday morning. Love starting my week with a chuckle, sparked by my favorite kiddo in the world (psst, that's you). You're such a silly little trend-setter!

Stacy's text:
~I can no longer turn my camera on Cadence without her making her silliest face a la Mali!~

Ahhh...I'm glad I had that laugh to begin the week. As the days wore on, events from the last week (that were never mentioned here) began to wear on me. One morning, I even woke up crying. It was 3:30am and I was a mess and could not go back to sleep. I won't go into details here, the who or the why is not important at this point...but let's just say that someone I care about deeply, someone who I thought was supposed to care about me unconditionally too, hurt me very much. And as I launch into explaining this situation and its effect on me, I'll apologize in advance if I am all over the map. I wasn't sure if I should even include it at all, however since it affected me so deeply, I figured I had no choice. This blog would be nothing if not honest, right?

To touch briefly on and set the stage for my emotional state lately I must mention your trials as well. I've been going back and forth with feeling fear and anxiety and an overwhelming sense of guilt about all of the things that you are currently dealing with (e.g. your scope, fluoroscopy, and the inevitable surgeries that will soon follow). In the midst of all this my guilt has also doubled each time I need to use any discipline because of your strong-willed and at times defiant behavior. I can't help but wonder if some of your unruliness has to do with feeling a lack of control due to doctors' and therapists' pokes and prods of you lately, or even if something as seemingly benign as joining a new class at school has you rattled and longing to regain some power over yourself. At any rate, I have NOT felt like "Mother of the Year" in my attempts at discipline, second-guessing myself at anything I do.

Going back to the event that really upset me, when this person acted so harshly, it was the straw that broke the camel's back. Past pain resurfaced that I thought I had dealt with long ago. I felt like my heart was broken in two. It felt awful and I am still sorting through it all at the moment. Who knows how long it will take? By the end of the week, I can say it has gotten better. Resolution is beginning, slowly and unsteadily, but still beginning.

One thing is for certain though, once things are said, it is hard to take them back. So, if I have anything to share, perhaps my lesson for you would be this ~ Always Choose Your Words Wisely. An easy way to remember this is with an acronym I've decided to bear in mind from now on ~"THINK"~ which stands for "is it TRUE? is it HELPFUL? is it INSPIRING? is it NECESSARY? and finally is it KIND?" If it doesn't meet all of those criteria, well, don't say it. Period. I know, I know. Easier said than done sometimes. But I'll try to give it my best shot, and hopefully in doing so can provide you with a better example moving forward.

In keeping with my nifty new "THINK" tool, the other silver lining in all of this that is slowly showing itself to me is a fervent desire and sincere prayer that I never ever treat you so abrasively. I can't imagine deliberately saying hurtful things to you, shattering any sense of comfort in knowing that I, your parent, loves you and will love you unconditionally no matter who you are or what you choose to believe in or become, but simply will love you because you are my daughter.

I know I have no crystal ball, and I can't predict what events will unfold in our lives as the years go by. After all, we're only human. There's bound to be misunderstandings, mistakes made by one or the both of us, and turbulent times as naturally befall anyone's life will arise, no matter how good our intentions or how much we try to avoid them. These kinds of things are inevitable, such is life. However, I am hoping and praying with all of my might that I can take some good from my painful experiences and put it to use in choosing to do better for you. I desperately want you to grow up healthy, self-assured, emotionally literate, empathic, confident, able to take risks, follow through with what you start, try new things, appreciate and respect all people (including and especially people different from yourself), learn from others, be true to who you are, and through all of that to not be afraid to share your thoughts and experiences with your dad and I. The list could go on and on of all the things I wish for you...but the most important part of it for me to remember, the part that I hope you will always feel safe with, is the secure knowledge that you can always come back to Dad and I and feel proud of yourself. Feel proud of who you are because we promise to accept and love you no matter what. No. Matter. What. You can count on us.

When I woke up at 3:30am and couldn't go back to sleep, I just lay there next to you for an hour. Every so often I would reach over and stroke your head, kiss your cheek, unfortunately cry some more, and whisper things like, "I love you" or "I'm so sorry you are going through such hard things right now" or "I will always be here, no matter what". I don't know for sure if you heard any of it, but at one point at least, you reached up and touched my face gently. I like to think you at least felt how much I love you, even if your sleeping mind couldn't make sense of all the words.

I didn't think I'd make it through the entire day after getting up at 3:30am, however I did and even ended up taking you to Blendon Woods after school. You were fascinated by looking at their collection of bones, shells, and skulls with a magnifying glass at the nature center. One of the rangers even remarked on how inquisitive you were after listening to all of your questions. I joked that I just wished I had more answers for you. Thank goodness for the internet!

The last week or week and a half, you have also discovered the joys of the Fresh Beat Band. You are into them...I mean, HOOKED. You are enamored by their jokes and of course their dancing. You were even inspired to set up this drum set in the living room and go to town...

and this was just the beginning of it...you kept asking me,
"Mom, do you have some more?"...at which point I'd bring
 you another pot or glass to add to the collection

you were on fiyah!!

By Friday, it was time for yet another one of your tests at the hospital, the fluoro (basically, shooting barium into your nose with a syringe, positioning you for X-rays of your head and neck, then expecting you to say 5-6 words willingly as they take each video X-ray). We were able to snap up an appointment in a flurry and figured we just wanted to try to put this all behind us.  Thankfully Lao Lao had taken you to breakfast and hung out with you that morning while I worked, taking your mind off of what was to come, and also thankfully accompanied us to the hospital as well. We headed downtown, got all ready, and made two attempts to take these "pictures" of you (as we kept calling them). Unfortunately, I am disheartened to report that it did not go any better than the scope. It was probably too soon on the tail of the last hospital visit, too many memories that still lingered to make you scared even before it was go time. Then holding you down to get the barium into your nose was it. You were done. No cooperation at all, just a steady whined repition of "I want to go home" in the middle of hysterical tears. I knew it wouldn't work even before we began. The radiologist even called your surgeon Dr. Pearson to ask what we should do next. After hearing about how you clammed up so much with the scope last time that you began using sign language and refusing to speak at all, Dr. Bates (the radiologist) made the comment that you are just too smart for this. You are so aware of what is happening to you. And so determined to fight for yourself, no matter what. You fell asleep in my arms as we talked to Ms. Christina and the other speech fellow that was there, clearly spent from all of the tears and struggling. When you woke, we had lunch in the hospital cafeteria and all seemed forgiven. Thank goodness. It breaks my heart to see you go through this stuff, knowing it has to be done and feeling like I am completely helpless in it all.

see? already feeling better and trying to steal nuts
from the squirrel at Children's Hospital!

We all felt better after lunch and headed to the zoo for the afternoon. It was just the change of scenery and the kind of fun we all needed. Even though we go to the zoo quite often, we had not yet seen two new attractions, the 8 week old tiger cubs and Sting Ray Bay. Both were super cool, but I think Sting Ray Bay was by far our favorite. After one heck of a stressful morning for you, the squeals and laughter while we stroked the velvety soft sting rays as they glided by, getting splashed by the more ornery ones, and fed them very stinky raw fish was music to my ears. Watching you bounce back to 180 degrees different than you were just a few short hours ago was reassuringly a great reminder of how resilient kids really are. Whew...maybe it's not so horribly damaging to be "mean mommy" every now and then.

you said, "they're so tiny!"

sweet

 

showing me how to do the "2 finger touch" for the sting rays

they felt like smooth, soft, wet velvet

eating a fish out of Lao Lao's hand...their mouth is actually
underneath what looks like their chin

it felt funny when they'd suck on you!

getting splashed by a sting ray

both of you soaked and happy at Sting Ray Bay

 

I think this sheep is British

polar bears rock!

 

can you believe Lao Lao had never ridden the train at the zoo??

And finally, as I was fidgeting with your stroller in the back of the car, I came across this...

During one of our crazy daycare pickups, you must have chucked it all the way back behind all the seats before I even had a chance to see it, not to be found until nearly 4 months after Mothers' Day! But let me just say, I LOVE IT! Thank you sweetheart...and I guess better late than never, right?

Friday night you and Daddy went to hang out with Uncle Joe, Sam, and Erin...getting your first introduction to poker, while Aunt Tina and I went out to grab a beer and get some much needed girl time. She helped me work through the events of my week, put things in perspective, and of course laugh. Even though Tina came into our lives a little later, she's one of the people I feel most comfortable with and respect even greater the more I get to know her. I hope you can find friends like her in your life. At some point, they cease to be just friends and become family instead. And there's nothing better than that.

Saturday was a fairly lazy day aside from Tang Soo Do in the morning. It was nice to have all of us home all day and just be together with no real demands of any sort. Time for naps and football games on tv, then making chocolate peanut butter acorns in the evening after dinner. We all got pretty messy but you did a really good job on yours!

concentration

proud

your best squirrel impression

Side note for this weekend...you currently are pronouncing "ravioli" as "ravaloli" and "gorilla" as "golilla". As much as we are working on your speech right now, I can't help but let words like these slip by just a bit longer. They're just too cute to correct just yet.

Sunday was another lazy day for us before we headed to Wai Gong and Memaw Lisa's for a cookout to celebrate not only Labor Day but also to honor our matriarch, Ggma. We all had written down special memories to display on cards for her, and Memaw Lisa, Wai Gong, and Blaize had put together a poster board filled with pictures of Ggma all the way from when she was just a year old to present day. She is 87 years old but living as strong and vibrantly as ever. I sure hope I can live as fully as she has, still kicking butt and taking names in her 80th decade!

pictures and cake for Ggma

all of our notes

 

Nancy (aka Aunt Nancy) and Ggma have been friends for 46 years!!

the family surrounding our Ggma

 

you discovered the joy of playing harmonica...I had no
idea you'd LOVE it so much! (and FYI, you are
plugging your nose so no air escapes through
the hole in your palate. my smart little girl)

serenading us all with the harmonica while
Wai Gong whistles along

Monday morning, our bonus weekend day thanks to the Labor Movement, we woke up slowly and snuggled under the covers. Daddy headed to the gym to begin his week on the right foot with a work out while you and I stayed home and painted birdfeeders.

Monday afternoon you and Daddy went to BW3's to meet Daddy's old friend Todd who is in town from Hilton Head. It'd been 3 years since they had seen each other so it was a long overdue visit. You also discovered that you really dig chicken wings. Win/Win!

 

Afterwards Lao Lao came over and we piled you into your stroller while we took a walk and you napped in the fresh air. Love these cooler late summer days. Then off to Spoon Me for some yummy frozen yogurt (which you guessed where we were going even though I only spelled everything except mentioning it was by the Stoneridge shopping center - man you're smart! A little too smart sometimes!) 

 

Monday evening was a quiet wrap to a long holiday weekend. It was nice to have some peace and serenity with what was quite a tumultuous week both physically and emotionally for all of us. Here's a toast to hoping the coming week is more thoughtful, calm, and peaceful in every way.

 

Love,

Mama