Hard Adoption Conversations and Easygoing Family Days

Maliana ~

So, with your birthday last week being such a whirlwind, I didn't get the chance for a quiet moment with you to talk about your birth parents. They are never far from my mind and so I wanted to check in with you as well, especially on the anniversary of the day you arrived on this Earth. Once I did so, I was slightly taken aback by your response. Not because your reply was out of the normal realm of response, but for the simple fact that we were finally beginning to have a conversation that I had long been anticipating. A conversation that is important and will continue to evolve as you get older. A conversation that you will have, if not with me then, with other trusted souls throughout your life. A conversation birthed from thoughts lingering in the back of your mind, if not in the forefront, quite frequently as you sort out, discover, and embrace all of the identity you will discover, learn to create for yourself, and are destined to become.

Although I knew this conversation was on its way, when it landed in my lap, the gravity of it all hit like a ton of bricks. I was ready and not ready for it all at the same time. I was very proud of you for being able to articulate what you did about the thoughts you've been having. I worried about how I had responded back to you, hoping I had said what you needed in the moment. I wasn't sure I had. After mulling it over, I decided to reach out. I reached out for a little insight since I felt like this is such uncharted territory we are in. The easiest way to do so in this day and age is via our connections on social media. I debated sharing my experience with our friends and family on Facebook, wondering if I should keep this particular conversation private. However, after going back and forth on it and reflecting on all of the people we have met using this social media and through your adoption, I ultimately decided to share about it on Facebook. The reason I did so is because I know there are others out there in our wonderful little village that have gone through or are going through similar experiences. I knew that not only could we possibly glean some wisdom from those who have walked before us, but also shine a light to those who may be quietly having these thoughts or conversations right now. If there is anything you will learn about me it's that I try to be as open as I possibly can be, some moments more successful than others. Anyway, I am so glad that I did open up and share about our conversation and moment. There were some wonderful nuggets of warmth and wisdom that were received in return.

Anyway, here's how my post read:

~ A slightly heavy heart today after having a conversation last night with M about her birth parents. With her birthday just last week, I asked if she thought about her "China mommy and China daddy" to which she replied, "Every day." She then proceeded to share that she has a lot of ideas about them but "maybe would tell me tomorrow". We talked a bit more about it when she said, "I don't know why they didn't want me." *gulp* ...Even though she didn't seem outwardly emotional about it, it made my heart drop. I told her that unfortunately I didn't know either and then I asked if I could share with her some of the reasons that I do know about why parents give their kids up for adoption (e.g. not enough money or food to take care of them, etc.) But I was essentially speechless... She's a smart kid so I knew these things were milling around in her head; I knew these conversations were coming; and I know that I will always welcome them with an open heart and open mind. Nevertheless, it's hard to know that M is already wrestling with some very adult issues at such a tender age, with more difficult questions and issues to come in the years ahead; things that this mama can't just fix and things that M will ultimately need to come to terms with for herself, in her own time. *sigh* I wish I had a magic wand...

A few details of our conversation I left out of the above post...one of which was when I asked you if you thought your birth parents looked like you, to which you replied, "I don't know. I've never seen them in person."...then, "They don't have a cleft lip and cleft palate." I asked how you knew that and mentioned that they could have, we just don't know for sure...So many questions, not enough answers. Probably never will be but I hope you can get to a place where you are ok with not knowing all of the details for sure. Time will tell.

In the meantime, I thought I would post a couple of my favorite replies (particularly the responses from adult adoptees that we are lucky enough to have in our circle of friends) to the above post. I thought it might be nice to hear what they have to say about it, to know you are not now and never will be alone in this experience, even if sometimes it feels lonely. Hopefully, some of these words will help as you read this years from now.

This response is from a woman (Shelby) in her early 20's who was adopted from Korea:
I just read this to my mom, and she told me that she always used to tell me that "your birth mom didn't know 'Shelby.' She made a plan beforehand to give up 'a baby' so that she could have a happy and loving home. And god made it so you were placed in our family. Cause if your birth mom ever knew "Shelby," really knew YOU, then she wouldn't have been able to give you up." My mom said she focused on my birth mom giving up 'a baby' rather than it being more personal and her giving up 'me.' Hope this helps!


And here is the response from a woman who was domestically adopted and has known Daddy ever since they were almost as young as you are now:

I know it hurts you...but it is just plain something all adopted kids go through. . Just try not to discuss the being adopted too much...let her come to you.. discussing too much adds to feeling different..you have left the door open...let her come to you.. I was loved and happy as a child.. my parents are absolutely amazing.. but being adopted is as much a part of me as my hair color....ok. at my age let's go with eye color. ...I am sad every year on my birthday because somewhere a woman is sad about me...but its ok. breaks your heart but it will happen..warning....the teen yrs are when the tears come.... identity issues are rampant at that age and add adoption....yeah.. just let her cry if she needs to... but some of it she will just need to feel and deal with....I love my adoption identity. .. I feel special..so does she I am sure..but special is different and can be lonely. You two are doing great.....really...and when she is 12 or 13 we can do lunch.

There were also many other wonderfully supportive and caring replies (20+ of them!) but the two I noted above I felt would be the most helpful for you and that is why I included them here. I hope you always feel comfortable enough to go through any emotions you need to and bring any of this to your Daddy and me. The last thing I want you to feel is that you have to go through this alone. There may be times where Daddy and I aren't sure what to say or do, but I want you to know that none of this scares us. None of this is too big to handle. We are willing to move mountains and oceans, Heaven and Earth, if it means it could help you. Please remember that. No matter what, we can do this together. We love you and are always here for you. 

Ok? ...Ok.

And on that note...

*deep breath*

Ready for the rest of the week?

While adoption brings with it many difficult issues, it has also brought many wonderful people and experiences into our lives as well (as I mentioned briefly above). Friday evening and Saturday morning were wonderful examples of that. On Friday, I got to go out with a few different fellow adoptive mamas who I have met and become closer to over the course of the last 4+ years. It was a really nice night and you got to hang out with Daddy while I was out. Good all the way around, however it cracked me up when I came home and you promptly handed me this note:

to be fair, he only hit you mildly on the shoulder while trying
to juggle leashes for two dogs, keys, and a flashlight...
however, point taken, Mali...point taken.

Saturday morning we got to meet with our Fu Social Group for the monthly play date. It was so nice for you to see and play with the other kids while Daddy and I got to see and chat with the other parents. This monthly (and often more frequent) connection with this wonderful pool of families is something that Daddy and I value very much. Once again, thank you, adoption.

putting on a mini show with Halle

The rest of Saturday was unscheduled so we took advantage of it and had a really nice family day, just you, Daddy, and me. We had lunch together at Fazoli's, hit the dog park with Suzy and then since we were so close, hit Anthony Thomas for a bit of candy on the way home. It was so nice to spend this uninterrupted time together on a chilly but bright and sunny *almost* spring day.
Once home, we both worked out, me on the elliptical and you on the yoga mat with a YouTube video. So cute.

you requested yoga...so glad you enjoy it so much
(thanks to Daddy introducing you to it!)

After that, you and Daddy spent some quality time together preparing a special dessert to take to Memaw and Papaw's family dinner on Sunday. You were so excited for the both of you to don your aprons while making the banana split raspberry surprise pie. Yum!

you were so excited to have Daddy wear the apron you and
I had made for him on one of your earliest Father's Days

got spatulas ~ ready to cook!

showing Daddy the trick you figured out to get chocolate
chips inside the raspberries ~ yum!

all done!

Such a great morning and afternoon ~ I just love our family days together!

Sunday was pretty laid back with only an early dinner at Memaw and Papaw's on the schedule and with Papaw's famous veggie lasagna. While there you impressed Memaw with your helpfulness by rounding up Sammy's as well as your own dirty dishes and bringing them into the kitchen for her. She made it a point to tell me how considerate that was...very proud of you, monkey.

ready to dig in to dessert!

That night we got ready for St. Patrick's Day on Monday morning. I had already made you green shamrock pancakes for breakfast so we set some of those aside as I concocted my famous "leprechaun juice" for you to drink the next morning with breakfast. As you watched me make it, you asked, "Mom, can you teach me how to make leprechaun juice so I can make it for my kids someday?" *smile* ...I told you that I would definitely teach you when you are older and closer to being a grown up. (Don't want to spoil the magic too soon, right?)  

my attempt at green shamrock pancakes

Wishing you sweet dreams and lots of luck on this week of St. Patrick coming up. 
Love you, my little lucky charm. 

Love,
Mama