Our Sweet Angel...Our Ggma

Maliana ~

First of all, forgive me if this entry is a bit scattered. I have no idea about how to begin other than with this...I am numb.

Our beloved Ggma, the rock, the core, the heart and soul of the Hart side of our family, passed away at 3:08am on April 29th, 2013. Daddy and I got the call at around 4am. I was in shock and just went into the kitchen to sit in the dark, unsure what to do. After a while, I tried to lay back down but my mind was racing with thoughts of Ggma and flooded with memories of our lives with her. The only thing that eased my mind was rolling over and snuggling my face into you...my present and the future. I just still can't wrap my brain around the fact that Ggma is gone.

I visited with her at the hospital the night before she died, going home around 7pm, just Wai Gong and I alone in the hospital room. We could both feel her slipping away, in so much pain and refusing to eat or drink. We both could sense what was coming, even though we never said it aloud. We talked, we cried, we reminisced...he shared stories about how he remembered the times when he was sick himself as a kid, with Ggma telling him to lay still on the couch, giving the warning that if he moved she'd swat him. He told how he could still remember the feel of her cool hand on his skin as he lay there sick. How is it that a mother's hand is always just the right temperature to feel like Heaven on her sick child's face and forehead? One of the mysteries of the world, the magic of motherhood I suppose. Most of all, he described how she always sacrificed so much for her children, then her grandchildren, and finally her great grandchildren. All the way until the end, she never missed a birthday. Ever. I have no idea how she did it, that and so much more, other than the fact that she loved us all so much.

goodbye sweet angel

When I got home that night, I was tearfully telling Daddy about my visit. I thought you were playing with your toys, but before I knew it you had run into the bathroom and gotten the box of tissues, making me bend down so you could wipe my eyes and help me blow my nose. It was all very sweet. Little kindnesses like that can go a long way. Just remember that honey...in your life things may happen that make you uncomfortable because you feel like you don't always know the right thing to do or say when someone is in pain. Remember that just being there with them and showing a simple kindness can go so much farther than any words. Never underestimate the gift of just showing up.

With such an Earth shattering event happening right at the end of last week, it was impossible to start from the beginning, so this blog entry will be a bit upside down. Since we found out about the death, Aunt Lindsey and I have gotten to work putting together a photo slideshow set to music on DVD's for everyone...all of Grandma's life. We are still piecing it together, but it is cathartic to look through so many fun memories of time spent with Ggma. What a woman she was. I know where all of us cousins, particularly the women, get our stubborn bull-headed strength. *smile* Our Grandma. Your Ggma.

sleeping in and taking you to school all week...
I've really needed these cuddles to help
me feel better since losing Ggma

The last time you visited Ggma in the hospital was Saturday. By that time, she was fairly incoherent. The entire day was very emotional for us all as it was also the same day that we attended the memorial celebration for your Uncle Dustin. Six years have gone by already since we said our goodbyes to him. We still can't believe that. In fact, Ggma passed away the day before the official anniversary of Dustin's passing. I suppose it could be seen as somewhat poetic in a way. She always was one of his biggest fans so we all like to think they are happily reunited now, smiling down on all of us.

pretending to fart with Uncle Blaize

writing a message to send to Dustin during
the balloon launch

"Dustin I love you"

Aunt Lindsey and her mom with Dustin's square for a
Lifeline of Ohio quilt

oh yum, a crawdad claw thanks to Wai Gong
taking you creeking

In spite of it being a long day for a 5 year old, you did remarkably well. You were so quiet the entire two hours we were in the hospital, ever so careful to be courteous of the other patients, and then having fun with Wai Gong as he took you for elevator rides to keep you occupied. I'm sure those elevator rides helped Wai Gong feel a little better too. It's been so tough for him (and all the kids), to see his mama go through this. I can't even imagine.

While this week had a lot of sadness...I'd be remiss if I didn't mention the happy stuff too. If there was anything that made Ggma smile, it was hearing about her grandbabies and great grandbabies. She took such joy in us all. So here goes...a few pictures and stories to make you smile Ggma.

Celebrating Earth Day by playing outside all evening and then taking a walk with two of my favorite girls in the world...

A story from Daddy on his Facebook account...sure to make you laugh (or gasp!)
~ Ok I have to share this. It happened a few weeks ago. I told Mali to put her bike away one evening and she said no. This went back and forth a couple times until I felt it was time to pick her up and take her to her room for a time out. As I was carrying her this is what she said. "Dad put me down!! Put me down!! Put me down BITCH!!!". God help me.

You little stinker.

And more news as we continued to show our support for Aunt Lori and help put a brave face (and a little humor) on her health struggles...here's what you and I posted for her on Facebook, to lift her spirits and make her smile.

yes, those are underwear

It caught on like wildfire because now she has a gaggle of pictures just like this from other people. Awesome. Pure awesome.

Also, we had our neighbors (Brooklyn and Braycen) over for dinner one night too...and here's my ensuing Facebook status:
~ general rule of thumb...when you've got 3 kids (all 5 and under), dinner that begins as "build your own taco night" will end with your kitchen looking like "what happens when you put an M80 in a taco night"

Ha. Ha. Fun times...fun times. I discovered the magic of sprinkles that night too...if a kid won't try something, throw some sprinkles on it. Instant hit. #kidsaresoeasy.

And with the silliness mixed with the turmoil lately, I've just felt compelled to pause, take a moment, and feel thankful for what IS. Cherish who and what is here with us in this moment. I realize now more than ever that nothing is guaranteed and everything can be so beautiful if you take the time to really SEE it.

One way I paused, and felt thankful for what IS, was on our way to school one morning. Out of the blue, you asked me to sing "Lullaby" and "Never Grow Up" to you as we drove, just like I used to do at bedtime. I almost felt bad as we pulled into school and you had the sleepiest look on your face. Just some more of that magic of motherhood stuff, the way a mother's voice singing to their child can elicit instant sleepiness. I am so grateful that you still enjoy that as much as I do.

After school that same day you had perked up quite a bit by the time I picked you up and we decided to take a walk/bike ride with our neighbors down the big trail and to the playground. You, Brooklyn and Braycen all rode your bikes and made it down the entire trail and back up again on your own. I was so impressed (and excited knowing you'd all sleep like logs that night).

with the bluebells

More hitting golf balls with Daddy this week...still wanting to be just like him. So cute.

putting your gloves on the bag
just like Daddy

Later you went to Easton on another date with Daddy...excited and squealing about my Mother's Day surprise when you got home. You almost spilled the beans...and honestly, I will be surprised if you make it to Mother's Day without giving away your secret. You are so excited. Very, very sweet.

tied your jacket around your waist like Daddy...
when you left for Easton you said,
"let the good times roll!"

Jumping ahead a bit, to the day after Ggma passed away, we were all greeted by a nearly 80 degree day and a sky full of sunshine. I'd like to think it was Ggma and Dustin's way of letting us know that they are ok. After a great lunch with Aunt Lindsey, I picked you up and decided to simply enjoy being alive. We picked up Audrey Ayi (who we haven't seen since her gallery art show opening) and headed to Dairy Queen and then the playground. Feeling the sun on our faces and enjoying a few good laughs was the perfect medicine for me.

mmmm, DQ!

a little playground time at Cherrington

walking Mr. Yang through the dandelions

And you left us with this humdinger to further brighten our day...here's what I couldn't resist putting on Facebook:
~ sitting @ DQ with Mali and Audrey and got hit with this:
Mali - "Mom, my butt hurts"
Me - "Aw. Why does it hurt?"
Mali - "Because I don't wipe!"
Aha, looks like bathtime might be a little earlier tonight.

Oh boy...never a dull moment kiddo.

While I'm sure they are very busy making up for lost time together...I'm also hoping that Ggma and Dustin were cracking up from Heaven at your antics as well.

our two beautiful angels...together again

Love,
Mama