Bittersweet October

Mali ~

Oh, baby. I suppose I should just get this out in the open and begin this entry with the most difficult part of October and probably the most heartbreaking part of our family's life together thus far. On October 27th, after 13 years in our family and 15 years on this Earth, we lost our dear, sweet, Abby girl. Cancer. Damn cancer. On some level, I (we all) knew it was coming. But, no matter how you try to emotionally prepare for any goodbye, it's nearly impossible for it to not knock you completely over with wave upon wave of grief. Losing our pets is no different from losing the people we love...sometimes even harder because of the nature of their unconditional and pure love for us. I don't know what else to say, so I will simply share the tribute that I tearfully wrote on Facebook two mornings after she was gone.

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For Our Abby
Originally, we had picked out another dog. When I took Shawn back to the shelter the next day to show him and have the dog "cat tested", (to make sure it wouldn't constantly terrorize the cat we already had at home), it failed miserably. Heartbroken, I decided to take one more walk through the row of cages. I'm so glad I did. There, at the end, was a new dog cowering in the corner of her cage where she had thrown up (out of fear) and was looking terrified. She had just been placed up for adoption that day. I knelt down and willed her to come say hello to me...and she slowly did, walking right up to the edge of the cage and looked up at me. Her sweet eyes met mine and the rest is history. Her shelter name was Bella then, but she became our Abby. Our dear, sweet Abby.

15 years old...13 of those years bringing nothing but pure love and joy to our family. I had no words this weekend, only tears. I still feel inadequate when I try to sum up what she meant to us. After watching her become sick over the last year and realizing our time was finite, what has helped me immensely is looking through old photographs of her and realizing how loved she was and still is and how much fun we had with her. She was the sweetest dog, kind to everyone she met, walking up to anyone timidly at first but always wagging her entire back end slowly and with a big smile. She was a favorite in our neighborhood and of anyone who met her. She loved snow. Boy, did she love snow. Sticking her entire face into the drifts and rolling her body into the cold until her coat was covered with white powder. Then, when we tried to rub her dry with a towel when she came in, she would laugh and run away. She was the most ticklish dog I ever knew. She was my running buddy, logging in countless miles on our trails, and when she couldn't run any longer, she was my walking buddy. She loved trips to Hoover to explore the woods. We even made up a song about it and when we'd start singing, she'd get so excited. She also loved her treats, especially as she got older. She would persistently wait until any unsuspecting person sat down to eat and then she would nudge their elbow as they tried to take a bite. It was maddening then...but now I miss it terribly. I miss "booty scratches" where she would stomp with her back feet and her eyes would get all crazy looking when you'd scratch her butt. I miss our games of "go go go!" I miss her waiting at the top of the stairs for us, slowly wiggling and wagging and how she would lean her head into our hands when she was sleepy and moan softly as you rubbed just the right spot behind her ears. God, there's just so much more I can't even think about right now. So much I will miss about her.

When she first came home, she was so frightened and timid after having been in two other families before she chose us. I was so worried about her not feeling welcome that I slept with her in our guest room for a year and a half, cuddling her and making sure she knew how loved she was in our family until she eventually realized she was here to stay with us and would sleep in our bed. At the end, she only wanted to sleep in the living room and for several weeks, Mali and I decided to camp out with her on the living room floor to make sure she once again knew how loved and cared for she was. We always tried to make sure she knew how special she was (and always will be) to us. The one fear in my mind is that, after all of her years with us, she didn't fully comprehend how much we loved her.

I wish dogs could talk for many reasons, but one of those is to make sure she truly grasped how thankful we are for her and the time we shared and to make sure that she is taking all of our love with her, wherever she is right now. Until we meet again, sweet Abby. Love you, baby girl.
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Deep breath. *sigh* ...looking through all of the dozens and dozens of pictures of Abby with us through the years, it was helpful to see the life of love and laughter that she shared with us. I know she would want us to go on loving and laughing like we always have done. And...so we will.

Love...

here's our sweetheart with your silkie

And laughter...

your teacher gave you this book...she knows you...she
really, really knows you...hahaha

Early in the month, Lao Lao and I were able to head to California to attend a retreat about healing connections in our life with one of my all-time favorite artists and heroes, Alanis Morissette. It was a surreal experience for me as I have looked up to this woman since age 20. Alanis' music and ability to share herself so vulnerably with the world has been a serendipitous thread of healing throughout my life. I felt so grateful for the opportunity. And to share it with Lao Lao...that was just perfect. Maybe you will want to come to retreats with me someday? I would be so honored if you do.
.

Mom and I with the  "love bug" we rented...photo was right after we
drove up the scariest road ever (Old La Honda Rd)!

The following are just a few pictures from our retreat.

hugging the giant Redwood tree near our bunk...later we found
out that it is considered the Mother Tree

walking the path through the Redwoods

what an amazing opportunity to learn at the feet of these three

Lao Lao walking the labyrinth

one of the bathrooms with this message in lieu of a mirror

paying homage to the Castro on our way to the airport

While I was in California, Dad was on kiddo duty and sent this photo to me. You love doing safety patrol with your bud, Lily.

Daddy also took you golfing as well...I love seeing you bonding and having a blast together. Makes my heart sing!

you took this picture of our downtown skyline from
the golf course....amazing shot!

You also met Memaw and Papaw for lunch...

And got to visit your cousins and Uncle Kevin at Dill's!

Then played more golf...

Daddy is so ecstatic to finally have you as a real life golfing buddy

Right when I got home from my retreat, it was just about Daddy's birthday. You wanted to make him brownies and deeply enjoyed surprising him, lighting all of the candles so he could make his wish.

The following are just a few more pictures of us living that love and laughter that Abby enjoyed so much.

kitty kisses

in spite of being pretty sick...Abby still liked to beg for 

treats in the most silly of ways (I'll miss this so much)

watching Daddy and his food like a hawk

mommies lack personal space...and I wouldn't have

it any other way

The last few weeks, we tried to do anything we could to make Abby feel special and treat her to whatever she still enjoyed. With her arthritis, vision, hearing, and abilities for smell deteriorating rapidly, she didn't enjoy walks nearly as much as she used to...so instead we piled her into the car each night for trips to McDonald's for small fries. You liked feeding her each fry in the backseat on the way home. I'm so glad we did this. It wasn't much, but somehow it meant the world.

attentively waiting for each and every salty fry

On one particular afternoon when you didn't have school, we decided to get out of the house and go to Pigeon Roost to get in the autumn spirit. Just the three of us ~ you, me, and Daddy.

You also got to experience your first DIY carwash this month. In spite of it being freezing outside, you loved it!

Jocelyn also came over for a sleepover one night as well. You are fairly well obsessed with the rolled ice cream at Rollies so of course we had to stop here for treats.

Then you both carved and painted pumpkins.

here are your finished pumpkins ~ they look great, don't they?!

disclaimer: neither of you are smiling in this picture because it

was the next morning and Jos didn't want to go home so you

were purposely frowning and looking miserable (stinkers)

just a sweet conversation between you and me

Holy Suzy, full of grace

my last walk to Lao Lao's with Abby...she

didn't want to leave (as usual)

Abby loved her Lao Lao (and Audrey too) as 

they were two people she would smile and 

wag for (even on her last days on Earth)

I believe this was our last trip to get fast 

food treats with Abby (you took video of it

to preserve our memories ~ so thoughtful)

I purposely poofed the hair behind her ears...

doesn't it look cute?

possibly even cuter from behind...

we also made cheddar "feet loaf" one night, and you

made special dog bone shaped loaves just for Abby 

(and Suzy too, of course) ~ they loved them!

On another day when you had no school, I took you down to the Book Loft and Fox in the Snow Café for a fun afternoon. You had never been to the Book Loft before and you fell in love with all 32 rooms of book after book after book. It *is* a pretty great place.

silly pose with a special notepad we bought

Then, on the way home...we (early) voted. You pushed all of the buttons while using the sample ballot we had. I love that you are excited to help me with my civic duties and look forward to when you can do them all on your own!

this was just a silly picture of what I looked up to see

as I quietly read on the couch...you crack me up.

Lao Lao stopped to show off some of her steam 

punk costume for Halloween

Since we lost Abby just before Halloween, we hadn't had a chance to carve our pumpkins yet...which actually made it nice to combine pumpkin carving with this tribute to our sweet angel puppy.

you arranged my carved out letters into her name

yours, mine, and Daddy's - left to right

Abby's death hit me particularly hard, so I called in sick to work the following Monday.

GG is trying to dry my tears and ease my grief

thankfully, we still have this awkward and

oh so loving pup

the first morning I finally did go back to work, it was weird

to not have the pee/medication/treat routine with Abby...

so I said a prayer and took this picture with her pumpkin

a note from you before bed one night...I'm guessing

to help cheer me up. you're such a sweet kid.

Life still marches on and with Halloween just around the corner, I was thankful to have been able to come in and help with your classroom party to try to get in the spirit. Here you are in your shark costume after wrapping your friend up like a toilet paper mummy...a classic classroom party game at Halloween.

In spite of my being exhausted, the show must go on and trick or treat must be done. You were excited and that made me a bit more excited as well...but perhaps the most excited was Suzy as you can see below. We put her in Abby's old froggy costume and she looked adorable waiting for the first trick-or-treaters of the night.

you and Ana, waiting for Jelysa and Jeffrey to show

up so you can all head out in the neighborhood

steam punk Lao Lao!

sorting, trading, and tallying up your loot at the end of the night

Bittersweet is the most apt descriptor of this past month for our family. The bitterness of saying goodbye to our faithful, unconditionally loving companion in Abby...and the sweetness of remembering all the love we shared, holding it safely in our hearts forever while surely sending so much of it off to the beyond with her as well...and of course, Halloween candy.

Love,
Mama