Challenges, Impatience, and Open Hearts

Maliana ~

There's nothing good about Mondays unless...there's a birthday!! Began the week with my 38th birthday and while I had to take you to get a flu shot right after work (boo!), I was surprised with a huge arrangement of flowers from Lao Lao, a visit from Audrey who brought over the cheesiest cupcakes she could find (Duck Dynasty, ha), and gifts from you and Daddy with the loveliest card I've ever received from my big kindergartener who can now write her own messages! You also chose the most perfect dress for me as a birthday gift...you really do know exactly what I like! Thank you, sweet child...I love all of this but most of all...I love you ~ my greatest gift ever!!

you cracked us all up as you wanted to go change
into a dress so we could match and as you followed me to
the bedroom, you said (in regard to our changing together)
"It's ok, Mom. We have the same bits and pieces" ~ Ha ha. 

In keeping with our wearing dresses and feeling all gussied up...when I picked you up at school on Tuesday, this is what I found:

Since Daddy is in charge of getting you ready each morning...I always love the fashion surprises I get at pick up. Seriously...this kind of stuff gives me the biggest grins. You. Are. Awesome.

With all of the fun stuff, I do also have to touch on how difficult things have been with you and Daddy recently. It's nothing unusual really, as evidenced by this picture Daddy found on Facebook:

But, the fact that you insist on me doing nearly everything for you and almost completely rejecting Daddy at times has really worn on him (and me) over the last 4+ years. He so desperately wants you to let him do more with you and for you, but you have it in your head that "mama does best", for whatever reason. Anyway, Monday night was particularly tough at bedtime because of a particular tantrum when Daddy wanted to put you to bed (instead of me). We finally had a "come to Jesus" moment and Daddy let it all out, in a very honest and direct way, telling you how much it really does hurt his feelings when you reject his help or his participation in caring for you. You appeared to take it in, but not much more was offered back from you that night. However, when Daddy got home from work on Tuesday night, he shared with me that the very first thing you wanted to do when you woke up that morning was apologize to him. All on your own. He said you told him, "I'm sorry about last night, Dad." Then you both talked a bit more about everything. I was so happy to hear this. Not only that you apologized but also to hear that the lines of communication are opening just a crack wider between you and Daddy. This is such good news. And it's not the first time that you have offered up a completely unsolicited apology, after the fact, for something that got a little "messy". I am very impressed by you and so pleasantly surprised, on a regular basis, by your kind heart and increasing self-awareness that continues to grow more and more every day. Love you so much.

As for the rest of the week, it went...okay. There's actually something that's been weighing on me lately, and actually, you could say I have felt the weight of the world on my shoulders. We'll start with the small stuff. Here goes. Not only did my phone die on me (small potato problems), but on the larger end of it all, the federal government actually shut down this week (BIG potato problems). Seriously. Sounds funny, doesn't it? I bet you didn't even know that the government could actually do that. But it did. It has to do with a lot of grown up stuff. In reality, a lot of grown ups acting like a bunch of babies...but I digress. Bottom line is the government has partially shut down and since my job is a cross between state and federal governments, I have been more keenly aware of the shenanigans both locally and in DC over the last few years. Needless to say, as I have gotten older, I have also become more and more aware of how the bigger picture fits together and works (or doesn't work, in this case). It is a bit disconcerting to say the least. So, along with all of these grown up problems lately and coupled with the recent losses that our family has endured throughout the year, I have grown more and more 'bummed out' (for lack of a better term), feeling in a 'funk', and generally impatient. With everything.

Combining my impatience with your recent choice to present yourself as utterly helpless whenever I am around (for example, badgering me and whining for me to bring you the I-Pad when I am all the way across the room and you are literally sitting right next to it, etc) and demanding that I do this, that, and the other for you (e.g. things that you are 100% capable of doing for yourself and even when I am right in the middle of doing something else) is, to put it lightly, utterly and completely exhausting. I honestly think I could have *almost* run away from home on Thursday night. I was at my wit's end. And yes, I know. I know. It's probably just a phase (that we are both going through) and in talking to other mommies out there, I realize that this kind of stuff is very common to see and hear from their littles too. But it doesn't mean that it's not super challenging to not completely lose my dang mind from time to time. I sure do love you, sweetie...but oh. my. word....you can drive me crazy sometimes too. And yes, I know. I know. It's also your job as my kiddo to do all of this stuff, and then some. And you have never been one to 'shirk your responsibilities'. And I also know that it's usually the people that are closest to us that really know how to ever so perfectly 'push our buttons' and end up getting the biggest brunt of our insanity...so I am sure you are just paying it forward for when I will drive you insane in the years ahead (actually, I'm sure I already do a pretty good job of 'driving you to the brink' from time to time). I'm your mom...it's kind of my job too. And trust me, baby. I have also never been one to 'shirk my responsibilities', (so buckle up, Buttercup!) Ha, but seriously. All of that being said, it did actually feel just a tad good to get that little bitty rant out. I'm only human, after all. And I'm also trying to keep this blog real, so if I neglected to include these trying moments in my memories for you, then I would be missing an important part of our story.

In the grand scheme of things though, I want to be sure you understand that our life with you could easily be considered a 'walk in the park' and being your parent is the best job we have ever had or will ever have in our lifetimes. Before we know it, you'll be all grown up in the blink of an eye. It happens so, so very fast. Moving forward...please just remember that I love you, all of you, including all of our ups and downs and even our sideways (whatever those are). And from now on I will do my best to keep in mind that you too have a lot of changes and stresses in your own life that you are trying to navigate, just like me. We are in this together. We are on the same team, the team we call family. We actually have a few different mottos for our family team, but all of this brings to mind one in particular ~ "In our family, we can do hard things. We may get angry and frustrated with each other sometimes...but we always love each other, no matter what." I have made sure that you know this motto very clearly. I don't want our love for you to ever be questioned in your mind like I used to do as a child with certain members of my own family. I want you to know that our love for you is always unconditional. It is not based on your behavior, your grades, your decisions, or anything else that is transient in your life. We simply love YOU. No strings attached. No conditions. You never, ever have to earn it. It's just there. Forever and always. Period. I may gripe and moan and rant sometimes...but never forget that through it all and at the end of the day, I LOVE YOU. Got it? ...Good.

Whew...

Anyway...we began our Saturday morning with a little monkey bread and then headed out to our monthly Fu China Group gathering at good ol' Dill's Greenhouse for their Fall Fun Fest. We enjoyed tons of games, a corn maze, a hayride, your Fu friends, and your cousins (surprise!) who Memaw and Papaw brought to play. The rain held off long enough for everyone to have a blast and we headed out just as the first few drops were released from the clouds. It was so nice to see our Fu friends and of course, your cousins. I am so thankful you get along so well together. You and Sammy are like two peas in a pod, and that is not at all an exaggeration. You're hysterical!

typical sight...Memaw snapping a picture of
Papaw with some grandkids

hayride to the pumpkin patch

all the girls against Daddy

sack race!

playing in the corn sandbox - I just know that our dryer is
going to be spitting out corn kernels for days now

we needed a hose to get all the corn dust off of you

Ah, thank you, Sammy...for teaching you
how to slurp ketchup with a straw

silly Papaw aka Princess Fiona

Shrek hitched a ride home with us

Saturday also brought with it some major progress that Daddy and I have noticed in your burgeoning interest and ability to read. You have been bringing home various phonics based homework and now have begun lugging home what are called "baggie books". Just one book at a time that you are required to read to Daddy and me each week and then exchange for a new book the next week. You are recognizing your sight words everywhere, out of the blue announcing, "O.F.F. ~ that's off, Mommy!" or "S.E.E. ~ that's see, Mommy!" or "T.H.E. ~ that's the, Mommy!" and so much more. I can't even properly convey how cool it is to watch your child progress in a skill, especially one as important as literacy. We've always read different books to you and tried to encourage a love of reading ever since you were a baby. You have loved listening to stories and even pretended to read to us when you would memorize some of your favorites, but it's awesome to see you actually beginning to read, really read, to us now. What a rich and wonderful world is opening up to you in books. I can remember spending whole afternoons as a kid, just curled up with a good book and some snacks. There's nothing like getting lost in a really engrossing book. As one of my favorite quotes goes, "A reader lives a thousand lives before he dies. (...) The man who never reads lives only one." ~ George R.R. Martin. So very true.

After Fu, we came home briefly (where you fought a nap and I graciously accepted one, falling fast asleep ~ trust me, you won't fight it so much when you're my age) and then we were off to a spaghetti dinner fundraiser for Uncle Forge as he attempts to achieve his Eagle Scout. You were so excited to see Lao Lao (who was in the church kitchen helping put everything together) and while I kept trying to tell you to hang on a minute and that she'd be out to talk to you soon, you bounced up and down and kept yelling, "But, I just saw her curly hair! I want to see Lao Lao!!" Daddy made the comment, "Geesh, it's like Lao Lao is the Beatles or something." Ha.

Sunday morning you woke up in one of the best moods you've been in in a long time. As I tried to gather my wits about me, you were as chipper as ever and attempting to engage me in 'knock knock' jokes before I had even opened my eyes. If there was ever a case for having a coffee maker right next to the bed, this morning would have been a pretty solid argument for it. Ha. You crack me up.

The rest of the day we did not have a ton planned but our day got a little kookier than expected. Daddy went to a golf tournament and so we knew we were to have a girls' day. As we headed off to an open house at the local fire station with Lao Lao, our car ended up running over a huge nail and completely popped my tire. Luckily, we found a Tuffy and got it all fixed up while we had lunch right around the corner, finishing up in just enough time to still make it to the fire station where we came across one of the nicest paramedic/firefighters I have ever met who ended up spending about 45 minutes talking to us, answering our questions, and encouraging you to follow your dream of becoming a paramedic someday. As we walked away, it really warmed my heart to be reminded that there are people in the world who can be so kind and encouraging of others, especially our little ones. I could tell that what he had said had really resonated with you when I was tucking you into bed that night and noticed you were just sitting there, staring up at the ceiling and thinking about something. I asked you what you were thinking about and you replied, "Just about when I get to be big and all grown up and I can be a paramedic too." I love that you are beginning to dream about what you will do someday and that there are role models out there that also affirm you can do anything you put your mind to.

paramedic W. Lewis who made a big impact on you

And finally, I have to mention how you (and of course, I) have begun looking even more forward to our nightly bedtime talks. Each night as we get ready for sleep, you share the best part and worst parts of your day with me and then we talk about anything that pops in your head. You really open up under the soft glow of your night light and I adore listening to a little sliver of your world, so thankful that you let me be a part of it. This week, we discussed how you are having a hard time with a particular girl in your class who picks on you sometimes (pushing into your back with her feet during circle time) and who also gets upset if you sit with someone else on the bus, telling you that you are not her friend when you do this. We talked about how it made you feel, what you thought about it, and how you deal with it. You told me that you typically just ignore the times when she picks on you during circle time, and you also conveyed how it just doesn't make any sense when she says that you are not her friend because, "but Mom, I've everyone's friend!" I couldn't help but smile at your innocence and sincerity. I am so very thankful that you a) take the high road and are able to ignore this girl's behavior rather than escalate the situation by retaliating and b) are kind and open and feel that you are able to be friends with anyone and everyone in your class. You are such an inherently sweet and caring child with an intuition that is developed beyond your years. I hope you can hang on to that authentic and open part of yourself, nurture and grow it as you get older. An open heart has its own unique vulnerabilities in life, but it can also take you farther than you could ever imagine.    

Love you, Tootsie Pop.
Don't ever change.

Love,
Mama