Heavy, Hopeful, Happy Heart

Maliana ~

I started this week with a mixture of happiness and a heavy heart. We had your speech evaluation on Tuesday at Children’s Hospital. This was to see how much progress you have been making since beginning speech therapy and to determine when we will attempt to do the scope procedure that will help us see what type of leak you have in your palate, and ultimately, what kind of surgery you will need to correct that. When I came home from work that morning, you were in great spirits. We got to the hospital a little early and went to the cafeteria where you picked out a V-8 and an orange (all on your own) for your snack. (So proud of my healthy eater!) You were silly, talkative, and bubbly and we had a great time just hanging out together, with you drawing the attention and smiles of a fellow diner with your antics.

Then, when we got up to the craniofacial clinic, you clammed up. I know you were getting tired at that point, and all of these new faces with badges or lab coats were coming in to see you and wanting you to say all kinds of things for them on command. I know how uncomfortable that is at any age, but especially at not quite four. We made it through the appointment, but it was pretty difficult to get an accurate picture of what exactly is going on with your speech since you really did not want much part of any of it. I was disheartened when we left. I was sad because I know that if we can’t figure out some way to get through to you better now, things could be more difficult the older you get. If we can’t figure this out soon, the next evaluation where they do the scope is going to be ten times harder for all of us, but most especially for you.

As I drove home, I  called Lao Lao and recapped what had happened and I began to cry. It hit me that what I felt was that I was failing you. I felt so helpless. I feel like there should be something more I can do or something more I should just instinctively know that could help you succeed. I desperately want you to make progress, to feel a sense of accomplishment and maintain a healthy self-esteem. It’s hard for me to know how much to push you when we are practicing your sounds and words, how much I should nit-pick pronunciations without it hurting your self-confidence. Ms. Ashly does a great job and pushes you when you need pushed, and you respond well to her, adore her actually. She said that your language skills are wonderful. In fact, she said that you are a very smart child, who creatively uses those same phenomenal language skills to derail your speech sessions when you are simply done working on your articulation, at home and in her office. It’s pretty remarkable how well and how quickly you can create diversions from the work at hand by attempting to rope us into whole new conversations prompted by something on your flashcards. That being said, I am thankful for your sharp wit, your strength, your strong-will, and your sense of self-preservation (being cautious and careful around things and people you are not sure of yet). All of these things (and more) have been assets in helping you get to us in the first place, and I’m sure will continue to take you far in the future. It’s just that right now, these same things are stumbling blocks when it comes to where we are with you and speech. So, where do we go from here?

As I left the office, a fellow adoptive mom who is a friend and happens to be one of the speech pathologists at the clinic also, asked if I had contacted the psychologist who works with the adoption clinic. She had sent me the information to contact this doctor a couple months ago and was just following up to see if this psychologist had been helpful or not. Honestly, I had never contacted her because whatever obstinate phase you were going through at the time had passed and things were once again more manageable.

On the way home though, I thought about what to do next while you got a much-needed nap in the backseat. I decided to email this psychologist to see what kind of help we can get for you (and all of us). Until this visit at the clinic, I hadn’t realized how much work really does lie ahead for us, exactly what our challenges look like, and how your dad and I may be falling short for you. At this point, the more specialists we have involved, the better. After everything you have been through, and will likely go through, I want to make things as smooth and attainable as possible for you. I’m sure there are a million ways I could be a better mom for you, so I am eager to get some more input on it all. And I am so thankful for Christina’s suggestion and reminder about this psychologist. It came at just the right time. Just one more reason that I am grateful for entering into this wonderful world of adoption with you…not only are you in our life now, but it has opened a door to all kinds of other wonderful people that never would have crossed our paths otherwise. Parents, children, new friends, and all kinds of professionals that never fail to amaze me at how resourceful, dedicated, and supportive they are of it all, of each other, and of us.

One funny thing I do want to mention about the clinic appointment though, is something that happened at the very end. After minimal cooperation from you, much squirming and stink-eyes thrown around the room, refusing to say good-bye to most of the staff, you did insist on shaking Dr. Pearson’s hand (just like Mommy did) when he was leaving the room. My little pint-size executive.

Once you woke up from your nap, we headed out to eat dinner at the café in Giant Eagle after ordering your birthday cupcakes (chocolate, red icing, with purple and red Justin Bieber rings ~ oh joy!) Then after getting home, you insisted on sitting at the table and drawing/coloring with me. You actually preferred to do this rather than watching a movie. I love that you’d rather spend one on one time with me than mindlessly watching a movie. We ended up having a great night together, with any drama experienced at the earlier clinic appointment completely vanished from your demeanor. You even willingly practiced many of your speech sounds with me, bestowing multiple kisses on me throughout the evening. We have actually been having a lot of fun together lately, which makes me unbelievable happy in general. I began to feel more hopeful that soon we’ll look back and this speech thing will be a drop in the bucket, just one of many challenges you’ll have overcome with flying colors in your life.

We headed back to the hospital the next night, with me reassuring you that I only was going to a meeting and no doctors would inspect you at all. You did great while we had our cleft lip and palate support group planning meeting, being very patient all the way until the end. Afterwards, you asked to have dinner in the hospital cafeteria, although I don’t know if it’s actually eating in the cafeteria or taking the long walk across the hospital that is more exciting for you. You love watching all the people and staff as we walk through the long hallways, mesmerized by the doctors and nurses especially. At one point, a doctor was walking by himself towards us, so you stepped off to the side of the hallway, waiting for him to pass and just as he was next to us, you stepped forward, nodded, waved, and in your most official voice said, “Hi Doctor!” He couldn’t help but smile.

your personality, coupled with outfits like this...who wouldn't smile?

On the way home you did something that I’ve never noticed before. For whatever reason, you wanted to race me everywhere. You said, “I’m gonna beat you to the car; getting buckled; into the garage; in the door; up the stairs; into the kitchen; etc. I made the faux pas (at least to you) of beating you in getting buckled in the car, and to my shock you completely broke down in tears. Of course, I wasn’t about to just let you win to make you stop crying. That was an important lesson going down right there…one that I didn’t even realize you needed to learn yet. Learning to lose gracefully, be supportive of others, understand it’s not all about winning or losing but rather trying your best and having fun is a trickier concept to explain and get to stick than I thought. Perhaps that’s why your competitive little beast inside was unleashed in full force once we got home. In spite of multiple discussions, by the time we went to bed last night, this lesson was anything but fully understood or resolved…so this should be interesting to see how it plays out as time goes on. Looks like I’ll be picking up a few extra books on this topic at the library this week!

Picked you up at school later in the week, and by God if you didn’t remember and hold me to my promise of going to the library. We laid on the floor and put puzzles together for a long time, then left with our arms loaded down with a total of 16 books! I love that going to the library is a treat to you. Once home, you made lasagna with me, saying, “Mmmm, it’s gonna be good!” Only a tiny bit of cheese and spinach filling wound up on the cabinets from your over-zealous mixing…we’re improving!

As we waited for the lasagna to cook, I showed you pictures of your new cousin, Max. Uncle Mark and Aunt Cindy just had their baby this week and so I showed you the picture of them in the hospital right after her C-section, which led into a conversation about C-sections versus vaginal childbirth. All I have to say is, “Oh boy!” I firmly believe in being 100% honest with you…so trust me when I say this conversation was interesting. In the end, you cooed and giggled while looking at pictures of Max, saying he was cute and proclaiming that you love babies. (And I breathed a sigh of relief that another one of my honest conversations with you about life did not seem to scar you).

here's the picture that had you asking a lot of questions
congratulations Mark and Cindy!

In spite of it being a short week, Friday could not have come a moment too soon. I asked you how your day was on the way home, to which you replied, "I didn't have a day...Daddy took my day!" Upon more questions, I couldn't get much more sensical info than that...so I surmised that your week went about as smashingly as mine.

Once home, we watched Wall-E. A movie I picked up in the cheapie bin a while back. You were very concerned during several parts of the movie, showing your sensitivity and empathy is really blooming. Then Daddy got home and brought in a package for you from the mail. Great Grandma and Grandpa McAfee had mailed you a birthday gift from Florida...a Justin Bieber t-shirt. You were so excited to get the mail, and I think blushed a little to see the shirt. We wrote thank you notes immediately after, and to my surprise you were able to copy my "THANK YOU" into the cards. You are growing up so fast!

Thank you Great Grandma and Grandpa McAfee!

I'm so proud of you for writing your own thank you's!

Saturday morning continued the early birthday fun when your loft bed arrived at 8:45am! I was still groggy but you were bouncing every which way and squealing up a storm. You "helped" them set it up and were thrilled to jump right up on it as soon as you could. It was actually hard to get you down out of it. You even took your nap in it that afternoon! I am SO happy that you love it so much and even more happy that you are SO appreciative of it. We couldn't ask for a better kid than you.

helping bring in your ladder

helping with the mattress

finishing the paperwork

oh yeah, this feels good!

ready to catch some zzzz's

yeah, this bed is so cool...you gotta wear shades

success! out like a light!

I went to the grocery store later, while you gave Daddy a makeover (all your idea). I think it turned out pretty good. Don't you?

nice...

Then later you even drew your own self portrait, turning around from the dry-erase board in the kitchen and saying, "This is me!". I was impressed. You did such a great job!

look at that artwork! love it!

Saturday night we had Wai Gong, Memaw Lisa, and Uncle Blaize over for dinner. As soon as they arrived, you ran to the stairs and grabbed Memaw Lisa's hand shouting about how she needed to come see your bed. No hellos, no hugs...just, "Come see my bed!" You were over the moon excited about showing off your big girl bed, and were all business in doing so. We had a good dinner, a nice visit, and then enjoyed watching you and Blaize have a dance battle and then spar in karate (that last one was all your idea). Between the two of you...we were quite entertaining all night. Memaw Lisa and Wai Gong eventually left, and Uncle Blaize stayed to spend the night. I couldn't imagine a more excited kid to have your uncle sleeping over. It's fun to just sit back and listen to the two of you interact. Blaize is so amazing with you. It warms my heart that you have so many people in your life all over the place that love to spend time with you, and vice versa.

hey guys! check out my new bed!

hugs!

Legos!

horsey rides!

bowing to your opponent

now spar!
(this reminds me of the shirt you got for Christmas from friends,
"Though she be but little, she is FIERCE!")

a super cool projector of the night sky
that Uncle Blaize brought over

You made a valiant effort in evading sleep that night...staying up until nearly midnight because you knew Blaize was still awake. As I carried you upstairs and tucked you into bed, you yawned and emitted the tiniest little sigh and I thought to myself that that has to be one of the sweetest sounds on the planet.

After (not nearly enough) hours of sleep, you woke up and insisted on going downstairs and sitting quietly next to a sleeping Blaize, watching and waiting for him to wake up. Abby went with you too so I'm sure it was a little unnerving when Blaize finally opened his eyes in a room where he was expecting to be alone.

engrossed in my Counseling Today magazine while
Blaize sleeps beside you

You came upstairs after a little while and sat up on your loft, requesting I crack your curtains so you could color in the sunshine.

using natural light to color...and by the way,
the coloring poster pad you are using was
part of a birthday gift from your teachers,
Ms. Beth and Ms. Brandi
(wasn't that nice?!? you have great teachers!)

Blaize finally woke up!

ganging up on Wai Gong when
they came to get Blaize

Memaw and Papaw came over tonight to switch cars with us and of course see your new bed! You were so thrilled to show it off once again.

Memaw checking out your new "apartment"

So far you have taken two naps in your new "nest". One falling asleep with Dad and the other with me. Sunday night will be the real test of you sleeping in your new bed. You surprisingly agreed to try, as long as we lit the white snowflake lights that are on your ceiling, and also use the old baby monitor we still have. You have already demonstrated what you will yell into it (very theatrically) should you need anything. I don't expect you to do it all on your own right away, but I'm curious. In spite of the challenges that started our week, we're ending it on a high note. You are one truly spectacular child...Daddy and I have no idea how we got so lucky.

Love,
Mama

P.S.
Can you believe this time next week we will be reminiscing about your birthday bounce party? We all put together the goodie bags for your guests and I am so glad that you wanted to take part in the preparation. It's getting more real now...I can't believe you are going to be FOUR soon! Such a BIG BEAUTIFUL kid you are growing into!

thanks for helping out Mali!