Reminiscing and Looking Ahead ~ 2011 Here We Come!!!

Happy New Year Maliana!

What a year 2010 has been, I don't think it could have gone any better. However, I have a feeling I'll be saying this about every year from now on, since you are home with us.

I actually found some quiet moments and took the opportunity this past week to do some reading and reflecting. Thinking about how we all came to be at this exact moment in time, together. All of the tumblers that had to fall into place to create this magical combination that we now call family. One person that I have really been pondering a lot lately is your birth mother. I know that your feelings and thoughts about her could run the gamut from one end of the spectrum to the other, however no matter how you feel or what you think, I also hope that you feel safe enough with your dad and I to be able to talk about what you are going through as you get older and try to piece together your history. No matter how you feel or what you think, it will always be the "correct" response to learning about and wondering about your history. There is no wrong way to react.

And aside from the whole range of emotions I have had when I think about your beginnings, I definitely want two things to be clear to you. There is and will always be a very deep sense of both respect and gratitude, for your birth mother and the difficult choices she had to make nearly 3 years ago. I just wish there was some way that I could know more about her, about why she did what she did, and to let her know that we are going to do the best that we possibly can to make sure that you live a life full of love and support. It will be interesting in the coming years, to see how you process your adoption. I just hope I can be the mother you need, providing the love and tools necessary so that you can navigate this journey for yourself. Time will tell.

Along with my reflections, I also wanted to include some other highlights from the final week of 2010. Daddy and I both picked you up from school on Monday and when we asked you where you wanted to go to eat an early dinner, you thought for a minute and then replied, “Hawaii”. Ha ha ha…us too, us too. I guess we need to be more specific that we mean a restaurant preferably in Central Ohio when we ask you that from now on. We ended up at the Chinese Garden Buffet and had a great dinner. You and I went to the bathroom and met a native Chinese woman there. She spoke broken English and so there was a lot of gesturing in our conversation, however as we both watched you, she asked if you were my only “baby” and if you were from China. I said yes, and then she communicated that I needed to go back over to China and get “two babies”, bring another child home. I got a lump in my throat when I realized this is what she was saying, since this particular decision has been weighing on Daddy and me lately. A few days ago, I even asked God/the Universe for a sign, if this was what we were supposed to do. Pretty interesting, huh? Anyway, after dinner we headed to Polaris so you could play on their indoor playground. You took a liking to these scrolling ads in the middle of the mall that played all sorts of various songs, many of which had some wicked beats. Well, you must have felt it in your bones because you started grooving to this music and danced your little heart out. Pretty soon, you had drawn crowds of various people as they walked by, stopping to check out your antics. We got some awesome video of it. We were cracking up ~ you’ve got some moves girl, some of them kind of “gangsta”. I have no idea where you picked them up, but it’s hysterical.

Later this week, we turned on the TV, which we really had not had on in a while. Hannah Montana was on and you watched a few episodes of it. You are now calling her “Anna Tana” and every time a commercial comes on, you say “More Anna Tana Mommy”.

On Friday, I was off work for the New Year holiday and so we spent the day together. I let you open our Christmas presents to you that were leftover from Christmas day and you especially loved the magnetic puzzles and art set. You spent a ton of time with the art set (particularly the watercolors) and it was the quietest you have been in a long time. I remember how cool it was to get an art set when I was little, and it looks like you feel the same way I did.

enjoying your art set in the buff

After you got your art time in, you and I headed out with Abby to go for a jog since the weather was so unseasonably warm. After playing on the playground, I let you run with me for a bit and I think you jogged for nearly a half mile before getting back in your stroller.

Needless to say, once home, you were ready for a nap. We got out the 3 books I got you for Christmas, all about adoption, (I Love You Like Crazy Cakes, Every Year on Your Birthday, and Mama’s Wish/Daughter’s Wish). I got teary as I read these to you for the first time. You actually fell asleep in mid-story. The picture below, I felt captures where you are somehow. Safely snuggled in your Mommy and Daddy’s big warm bed, however at your feet lies where you have been. Tales of birth parents who are far away, the journey of adoption, and feeling the love of family while at the same time trying to find a way to reconcile and honor your origins. I know that that probably doesn’t adequately describe where you really are, however that is what came to my mind and I do love this picture.

On New Year’s Eve night, the Metz’s and Audrey came over to ring in the new year. You girls wore us all out, so we pretty much pooped out shortly after you and Niubei went to bed. But, before you both hit the hay, you had us laughing so hard at what I can only describe as the infamous “Toddler Dance Party of 2010”. Daddy actually got a lot of this on video, and I really wish there was a way for me to download that on this blog. Describing it does not do it justice. However, I will say that you have some new moves that include something like the sprinkler, a “Grease Lightening” move, and then another move where you got behind Niubei when she bent over to pick up her juice and just "did your thang". Seriously, your moves are not those of a two year old…they had all of us cracking up.

here you are enjoying a little Elefun with Niubei

New Year’s Day we headed over to Memaw and Papaw’s for pork and sauerkraut. You squealed so loudly when we told you that your cousins were going to be there, and as I watched you running around all night with Joey, Alex, and Sammy, I just kept thinking how wonderful it is that you are just “one of the gang”. My cousins were all so much younger than me, plus I didn’t see them very often at all, so it’s nice to see you thoroughly fitting in and enjoying your cousins so much. From what Aunt Beth and Uncle Kevin said, the girls were just as excited to see you too. I love it! As we left, Papaw made the comment to you, “You’re so precious”…I have to agree.

one of the more hilarious pictures of all of you...you are counting Memaw's teeth and Sammy just wants the heck out of there!

This morning, after giving me a “haircut” (thankfully using pretend scissors), you and Daddy had a date. It wasn’t planned, but turned out to be a wonderful outing for the two of you. You headed to Easton and had some Starbucks together, then took the trolley around Easton (with the driver (whose daughter was also born with a cleft lip and palate) even letting you ring the bell), and then walked around to take a last look at all the Christmas decorations before they inevitably will come down this week. Daddy was ecstatic when you got home. He really loved spending this one on one time with you.

on the trolley with Daddy

After you got home, you and I laid down for a nap. You have started feeling a bit under the weather with a nasty cough. I told you, in a moment of empathy, that if I could take your cough away, I would. So today, you kept asking me to “Take away cough Mama” and motioning like you were taking something out of your mouth. You poor thing ~ we’ll call the doctor tomorrow. After our nap, Memaw and Papaw came over and we had dinner and celebrated Christmas with them. They really outdid themselves with gifts for us, and I was so pleased to see you really cherish every single one, doing a great job of thanking them for each gift. I think your favorite one of the night was your very own MP3 player. You kept begging us to take it downstairs and get it spooled up with your music, but settled for just carrying it around in your jeans pocket all evening. When you first opened it and realized what it was, you turned and informed me, “Don’t touch my music, ok?” Ha ha. I suppose that’s only fair since you hear that a lot from both Daddy and I. A close second was the doctor’s kit. Upon opening it, you proceeded to doctor up both Memaw and Papaw, telling them, “Don’t cry, ok?” All in all, it was a really nice and relaxed celebration. When Memaw and Papaw left, you saw them to the door, telling them, “Goodbye ~ be careful”. Then once they were to their car, you closed the front door, and locked it, all by yourself. Then swaggered up the stairs like a little adult ~ I love your little mannerisms, you are so grown up!

You and Daddy went to bed, but a while later, you came back downstairs. I guess you were having trouble sleeping with this nasty cough and congestion of yours. We sat and watched a little bit of the movie Bolt, and I was surprised to see you begin to cry when the dog left his friends and it appeared as though he would not find his way home to his little girl. Heck, I even started crying too at the end when it looked like the dog and his little girl were actually going to die (I still don’t know why these kids’ movies can be such tear jerkers!) And just a little while earlier tonight, you also got teary as we read your new book from Memaw and Papaw, Llama Llama Misses Mama, a tale about Llama Llama going to school for the first time. You kept needing reassured that Mama Llama would come back to pick him up. These are the first times I have observed your sensitivity in such a way. It was really sweet. I tried to comfort you during the movie, and we watched until the end, because I knew that ultimately it would turn out ok. I hate to see you upset, but it really touched me to see your tears because I am the same way. I can get emotional at the drop of a hat when I see something sad, or even something happy for that matter. This is also neat because it is just another sign of you growing up, maturing, a sign of your developing empathy for others, and it is wonderful. Sometimes it is hard to be this emotional, but I’d much rather be this way than the alternative.

So in summary, going back to the same pondering that started out this entry, as we enter 2011, we can embrace every moment we have with each other, laughing at ourselves and making memories in this new year. We can look ahead to the future with all of the beautiful hopes and dreams of a fresh start each new day. However, we also can carry those important pieces of ourselves and the people of our past with us. We can hold them dear and honor them for their gifts, no matter how painful or joyous they may have been. Because ultimately, they will always be here with us. They reside inside us, since they contributed to the creation of who we are today. For that (and for them), I am forever grateful.

Happy New Year, my sweet Maliana Suirong. May this year, and all coming years, bless you with abundant love and happiness all the days of your life.

Love,
Mama